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Andy Samberg

You just made me jizz in my pants.

After generations of defending capital punishment and marijuana possession laws on moral, ethical and religious grounds, after years of declaring that the death penalty acted as a deterrent against violent crime and that pot smokers were more dangerous to society than, say, alcohol consumers, all of a sudden thanks to our economic crisis more and more mainstream powerbrokers are considering dramatic changes to our criminal justice system.

This trend toward releasing non-violent offenders naturally begs the question: what about legalizing marijuana possession and lowering the drinking age? A California lawmaker Monday introduced legislation that would legalize (and tax) pot there.

Hell yes.  Why is CBS News the only ones talking about this?  Legalizing cannabis would save our economy.  We could make billions off of taxing it,  save billions from ending the War on Drugs and take the power out of the hands of those Mexican drug cartels.

But that’s just the beginning.

Think about the jobs it would create. We would create jobs for people to grow the cannabis. We would create jobs for people to sell the cannabis. We would create jobs for people who would want to open coffee shops where people could come in, relax, and smoke a joint.

And think about how much money the food industry would make if cannabis becomes legal. McDonald’s, Doritos, Coke, Pepsi, Funyuns, Reese’s, Sarah Lee, and Little Debbie would make so much money that their CEOs would get naked and run through the streets screaming, “Why the fuck didn’t we do this sooner?  Why was our government so goddamn retarded?”

Hopefully California will pass this law and show our government how to fix the economy without using taxpayers’ money.  And if they’re the only state that does this then I’ll be buying a house there within the next three years…

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Picard Ashamed

Is he really doing this?

President Barack Obama will ask Congress for more than $200 billion to fund U.S. war efforts for the next year and a half, according to defense officials.

The request will be for $75.5 billion for 2009 to cover the cost of sending more troops to Afghanistan this year and an additional $130 billion for the rest of fiscal 2009, according to the sources.

The money will be in addition to $534 billion for the U.S. Defense Department’s other expenditures, which the president is expected to request from Congress.

What the fuck?  Where is all this money coming from?  Does Congress have a magical giant that shits money?  How are we going to afford the Wall Street bailout, the stimulus, the homeowners bailout and this shit?

And why the fuck isn’t this money going to help those that have lost their jobs?  We have 5,112,000 people living off of unemployment who would blow an AIDS-infected donkey for 534 billion dollars and they’re getting nothing?  But we can spend 534 billion dollars on killing brown people in the Middle East?

Goddammit.

I’m sick and tired of these corrupt cocksuckers in Washington telling me how they’re fighting this war for my protection.  I didn’t tell them to go to war and I didn’t tell them to waste 3 trillion dollars. If my government doesn’t give a fuck about me and decides to give the military hundreds of billions of  dollars ,than I don’t give a fuck about them. They can go fuck themselves with their million dollar smart bombs and their billion dollar jets.

I’m pulling for the Afghans.

I want to see them bleed the government dry like they did the Russians.  I want to see them pull the government into a decade long war that will produce thousands of causalities and cost trillions of dollars.   I want to see them on TV shooting their guns in the air while celebrating an important victory over the government.

I can’t fucking wait until the government is forced to admit how bad they fucked up so I can laugh in their fucking face…

…then ask if I could suck their dick for a dollar…

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High Five Jesus
Classing up this place never felt so good.

Thank you Alan Keyes for proving crazy isn’t racist.  [Donklephant]

I’m hoping the stock market falls below 6,000 by Friday. Who’s with me?  [Politics By Satire]

I’m impressed someone can hate Glenn Beck more than me.  [The Rude Pundit]

Not true, most of the time Republicans put Corporations first.  [Pissed on Politics]

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Glenn Beck is a dick

…Glenn Beck is a gigantic retard.

It’s official–I may have spent too much time in New York City these past few years, because I’m actually beginning to think about things like a New Yorker. For instance, life with our new President Barack Obama is beginning to feel a lot like being in a taxi, stuck in rush hour traffic: You’re not crazy about the guy behind the wheel, not only do you not like where you’re going (you are trapped in Manhattan after all), but you can’t understand the route he’s taking to get you there, and the whole thing is costing you a small fortune. Yes, a cab ride in the big city is like being on The Road to Socialism.

Maybe not.  I kinda understand him.  He’s saying socialism is like a taxi ride.  I don’t know what the fuck that means, but maybe his next example will help me out.

If Obama wanted to rush in to “save” the ice cream cone industry, I could probably learn to live with that. As much as I’d hate to have the low quality government cones, I think we’d all live happy, normal and productive lives if we were forced to eat our ice cream with spoons out of little bowls.

Nope.

I was right, this guy’s a retard.  He’s using a taxi ride and ice-cream to describe what socialism means to him.  Jesus Christ,  my retarded imaginary friend Carlos knows more about politics than this dumb fuck.  We need to find out who hired this piece of shit and beat ‘em to death with a King James Bible.

There’s no fucking way someone interviewed Glenn Beck and thought, “This guy is a fucking genius.  His political views are fantastic.  He’s two fingers deep in America’s pussy and she’s moaning for more.   Goddammit…I can’t wait to put this man on TV.”

Hell no.

I guarantee you they were thinking , “This guy is fucking nuts.  Hoping for another civil war?  Katrina victims are scumbags? What the fuck is he talking about?   And why did I agree to an interview?  Who the fuck would want to watch this guy…wait…wait a minute.  Our NASCAR demographic would eat this shit up.  My God…I’m about to make a fuck load of money.”

Goddammit, I hate Glenn Beck.  His drunk, no talent ass should be out on the street sucking dick for cheeseburgers, not getting paid millions of dollars to be on TV.  I can’t wait until this cocksucker gets pancreatic cancer and dies in the middle of an interview…

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Mexican drug cartel

…all because of some drugs.

As violence continues to grow in Juarez’s drug cartel war, government officials struggle to maintain peace in the region and in it’s borders.

Juárez police chief Roberto Orduña Cruz resigned Friday after the drug cartel killed six city police officers this week and threatened to kill more unless he left the force.

Well folks, I hate to tell you this but terrorism works.  You can’t stop people willing to kill others without remorse until they get their way.  You can’t compete with that.  You’re fucked unless you can find a way to stop their money supply.

But how can you do that?  How can you stop the money drug cartels use to buy guns, bullets, rocket launchers, grenades, policemen, judges, lawyers, and politicians?

Drug legalization.

That’s right you fucking pussies.  Legalize marijuana, cocaine, heroin, LSD, ecstasy, and mushrooms.  Every fucking drug the drug cartel sells should be legal.  If grown men and women want to fuck up their health, let ‘em.  How can we tell someone how bad snorting cocaine off the back of a stripper’s ass is for their health, when we allow people to smoke cigarettes and drink alcohol?

And why should we do this?

Because it takes money out of the drug cartels’ hands.  Why would someone pay a creepy old guy hiding in the back of an ally 90 dollars for a quarter of cannabis when they could go to a well-lit grocery store and buy it for 55? Plus, the government could make money by taxing it.  They could turn the nations largest cash crop into a multi-billion dollar industry that would help get us out of this recession/depression.

But it won’t happen.  Why?  Because the War on Drugs benefits rich white businessmen. State and federal prosecutors, trail lawyers, judges, private prisons, politicians, the DEA, the FBI, the CIA, state and local police.  To many people make money off of this war for legalization to help.

They will use the money they’ve stolen to lobby Congress and the White House for tougher drug laws while placing their people on all the major news stations and have them say, “If drugs are made legal, it will be the end of America.  People will be so high on PCP and crack cocaine that they’ll storm into your house and ass fuck your wife and daughter.  If you don’t have a wife and daughter, they’ll ass fuck you and your son.  They’ll ass fuck everybody in your goddamn house.  Not even your fucking pets’ buttholes are safe from the ass fucking that’s going to take place in this country if drugs are made legal.”

So I want this shit to continue.

I want the shootouts to spill over into Texas and catch those fucking Minutemen in the cross fire and kill ‘em.  I want the violence to spread into New Mexico, Arizona, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Oklahoma, and Alabama.  I want people to cry out to the federal government for help but can’t get any because  our soldiers are to busy fighting overseas in a stupid fucking war.

I want all of this shit to happen and I hope I get to watch it on CNN, MSNBC, and Fox News while smoking out Juan…my new dealer…

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Bullet Train
Today’s post comes from  Politicus.us.  If you don’t visit that site, I hope the next time your mother sucks off a donkey your father catches her.

Despite the fact that the United States still has the largest rail network in the world, unlike many other developed and even undeveloped countries, our passenger rail service leaves a whole lot to be desired, mainly because it is more profitable for the railroads to carry freight, rather than people.

Besides relatively small, regional commuter rail lines and some specialty tourist and sightseeing trains, government subsidized Amtrak remains the only real passenger option in the U.S.

For decades now the world has been marveling at the Japanese “Bullet Trains” and later at the French TGV, both very fast – albeit a bit expensive – but very, attractive alternatives to air travel, cars and buses.

A few years ago, Shanghai was the first to implement a German-developed magnetic levitation train on a route, between the city and its airport. With a maximum speed of 431km/h, or 267 miles per hour, it takes only eight minutes to complete the 30km trip.

One of these trains would be just the ticket for the Washington-New York-Boston route. The problem with the so-called Northeast Corridor (NEC) is the fact that it happens to be a very curvy route, not allowing very high speeds, without complete rebuilding. That of course would not only be very expensive (and we never, ever want to spend money on something useful) and would probably require the acquisition of numerous rights of way, demolition of existing structures and so forth.

Although sections of the NEC have been rebuilt and upgraded, the route still wouldn’t allow speeds even remotely approaching the Japanese, French, or German/Chinese trains.

It was therefore decided to procure tilting train sets, which could use the existing tracks, while achieving greater speeds by tilting the trains inwards on the turns. The Canadian consortium Bombardier has won the $611-million contract with its design, originally termed the “American Flyer”, which later became Amtrak’s “Acela” brand. The trains are capable of 240 km/h, or 150 mph speeds. Some upgraded sections of track actually allow such speeds on the straightaways. This of course is well below the above-mentioned Japanese and French trains and in a completely different category than the Shanghai maglev set up.

The real problem is that the Acela trains were actually built four inches (10cm) wider than they should, reducing the permissible tilt on the turns from 6.5 to 4.2 degrees, effectively reducing the speed on large sections of the Northeast Corridor. At issue is basically the fact that it has been determined that a more pronounced tilt, at a higher speed could be dangerous if two trains were traveling in opposite directions on the same turn.

That said: we still do not have a viable, fast and affordable train service on the very busy Washington-New York-Boston route. Driving takes at least nine hours. Taking a plane has become nightmarish because of the security regulations, overly large airports, which are too often very inconveniently located. The airlines are notoriously unreliable as of late. As a matter of fact, it is a rarity when a plane departs and arrives on time on any route.

The latest, humongous “stimulus” plan does provide a trickle for “investigating” high speed rail to the tune of about $8 billion. I wouldn’t be surprised that this was included thanks to Vice President Biden, who has been a regular Amtrak commuter for many years. But why the hell haven’t we investigated it years ago? How long will it take before the U.S. – a country with the world’s largest rail network will finally enable its inhabitants to travel by rail in comfort, speed and safety and in an environmentally sound way?

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Obama racist cartoon

I…I don’t understand.  How could you publish this?  Where were your editors?   Who’s responsible for printing this shitass cartoon? Because I’m pissed.  Not because it’s racist.  I could give a shit about that.  Racism will always be around as long as rich, white people are in power.   I’m pissed because this goddamn cartoon isn’t funny.

Where’s the punch line?  Is it supposed to be the dead chimpanzee or the pussy ass white cops or the lame one-liner about the stimulus bill?

And how the fuck do you come up with that combination?  At no point in the history of my kick-ass existence have I thought about combining a bill that’s designed to help millions of Americans struggling to pay their bills and feed their families with a chimpanzee killed by two white cops with the one-liner,”They’ll have to find someone else to write the next stimulus bill.”

I have thought about combining a bill that’s designed to help millions of Americans struggling to pay their bills and feed their families with a chimpanzee being raised over two white cops’ heads with the one-liner, “Hopefully we won’t need another person to write the next stimulus bill.” And that’s why I’m pissed.

This fucking political cartoon isn’t funny.  It doesn’t have a point, it’s poorly drawn, and it pisses in the face of every important political cartoon throughout America’s history.  Benjamin Franklin’s “Join or Die”, Thomas Nast’s “BOSS TWEED”, and Louis Maurer’s “The Great Republican Reform Party Calling on Their Candidate” now smell like fucking urine, you fucking cow cunt.

So get your fucking act together New York Post and start putting in political cartoons that are funny and have a point or I’ll start a public backlash so bad that it will make those Muslim backlashes look like a fucking birthday party.

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