Fri 17 Apr, 2009
OVAL OFFICE
George Bush sits behind his desk while Dick Cheney, Colin Powell, Condoleezza Rice, George Tenet, Donald Rumsfeld, Alberto Gonzales, Jay Bybee and John Yoo sit around arguing with each other.
Dick Cheney: (to Colin Powell and Condoleezaa Rice) Will you two educated niggers shut the fuck up and listen to the goddamn wetback…
John Yoo: Um, I’m Korean sir.
Dick Cheney: (not paying attention) and the dickless white guy..
Jay Bybee: I’m pretty sure I have a dick sir.
Dick Cheney: (still not paying attention)…because they’re saying this is perfectly legal. And I’d like to think that lawyers from the Justice Department know a thing or two about the law.
Colin Powell: I don’t know Dick. I mean, some of these things sound like torture to me.
Dick Cheney: (yelling) Goddammit Colin. How many times do I have to say this? We do not torture people. We use enhanced interrogation techniques. How fucking hard is that to comprehend? Torturing is bad. Enhanced interrogation techniques is good.
Condoleezza Rice: With all due respect sir, it sounds like you’re splitting hairs here.
Dick Cheney: With all due respect Condi, you can shut your carpet munching ass up.
George Bush has had enough with the fighting and stands up.
George Bush: Everybody shut the hell up. (turns to Jay Bybee) Alright Dickless, let me get this straight. You’re telling me that our soldiers can strip down detainees, force them to wear adult diapers, deprive them of solid food which will make them shit all over themselves, deprive them of sleep, waterboard them, slam their heads into a wall, kick them, slap them, punch them, hook their genitals up to a car battery, piss on them, shit on them, fire a gun beside their head, put their head in a box of harmless bugs but tell them they’re extremely poisonous in hopes they piss all over themselves, kidnap their families, kill their dog, destroy their home, and rape their loved ones – We can do all of that and not get in trouble if we don’t mean to intentionally harm them and only want information?
Jay Bybee: Yes sir, that’s correct.
George Bush: But if one of our soldiers stomps on a detainee’s big toe because they want revenge for the death of one of their comrades who died in an IED explosion, that’s considered torture and we can be charged with war crimes?
Jay Bybee: (looking nervous) Yes…yes sir.
John Yoo: (nodding his head) Yes Mr. President, that’s what we’re saying.
George Bush looks at Jay Bybee then at John Yoo then back at Jay Bybee before sitting down without saying a word. The entire room is silent for 5 minutes while George Bush thinks.
George Bush: (breaking the silence) And now you’re asking me to sign off on these things?
John Yoo: (glances at a smiling Cheney before looking back at George Bush) That’s correct sir.
George Bush: (slowly nods his head) Alright. But first I need to talk to the Lord. Gotta know what the Big Guy thinks about all this.
Dick Cheney rubs his hands together like a fat kid about to get a piece of his favorite cake. Everyone in the room is silent while George Bush lowers his head and starts to pray.
George Bush: (mumbling to himself)…I know that Lord, but these guys say it’s legal and protected under the Constitution. Also, don’t forget these terrorist are at war with You. Of course I know that Lord…
Ten minutes pass before George Bush shouts “AMEN!” and looks up.
George Bush: Well…
Everyone leans in.
George Bush: (continued)… the Lord says as long as the Justice Department says it’s legal and it isn’t against the Constitution, we can go ahead and do it. And who am I to argue with the Lord?
Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Alberto Gonzales, Jay Bybee and John Yoo jump up and chest bumps and high fives each other while Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice slump in their seats.
Dick Cheney: (pointing at Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice) Suck on that you fucking pussy ass niggers. Suck on that.
Yep – I’m pretty sure that’s how it happened. And you know what? I’m glad. Because now I know I can kidnap that woman who doesn’t talk to me at the bar I go to every Thursday night, tie her up, pry open her mouth, and make her gag on my cock without fear of being charged with torture – because I only want information on why she doesn’t talk to me. And for that I have to say, “Thank you George Bush…Thank you.”
8 Responses to “We tortured the fuck out of those brown people
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Tags: Alberto Gonzales, Colin Powell, Condoleezza Rice, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, George Bush, George Tenet, How are these people not in jail, Jay Bybee, John YooComments (8)
Denea says:
Men who catch fish with their hands tortured those brown people!
Chris says:
Yep … that sounds about right. Good job.
Chriss last blog post..New alarm clock: hocking up phlegm
Phuck Politics says:
@Denea – Sounds about right.
@Chris – Thanks.
rory says:
Hey Phuck,my friend.Were you hiding under the table taking notes? Because sounds spot on. And good luck with that woman.She obviously doesn’t know a good time,even when it’s staring her in the face.
Phuck Politics says:
@Rory – I can’t give away my secrets. As for the woman, let’s just say she’s slowly warming up to the idea of hanging out with me.
stunatra says:
LOL, another brilliant post.
stunatras last blog post..Drug-related violence/Texas secedes from Union
Zirgar says:
“I can’t give away my secrets. As for the woman, let’s just say she’s slowly warming up to the idea of hanging out with me.”–is that coded language for something clandestine and perverted? lol
Zirgars last blog post..Ahhhhh, Yes. It’s The Ideological Equivalent Of Having An Extra Chromosome Or Twelve!
Phuck Politics says:
@Stunatra – Thanks.
@Zirgar – Why yes, yes it is.