Tue 20 Jan, 2009
Today marks the day that Barack Obama gets sworn in as President of the United States and since this huge jerk-off festival is costing taxpayers 150 million dollars, I feel like I have a say in what goes on. So here is a list of things that better happen today or the next time I travel up to Washington, I’m going to leave a flaming plastic bag of my shit on the front steps of the White House.
- Barack Obama wearing an all white business suit that makes P. Diddy jealous.
- Sean Hannity telling Barack Obama’s kids that Santa Claus isn’t real, then licking their face so he can taste their tears.
- Barack Obama executing whoever hired Garth Brooks to sing on Monday.
- Garth Brooks being beheaded by Lil Wayne and Jack Black.
- A gay transvestite Puerto Rican midget punching Rick Warren in the nuts then announcing they’re lovers.
- Nancy Pelosi stripped of her Speaker of the House status and pushed down the Capital steps.
- Beyonce giving Barack Obama a lap dance while Jay-z weeps in a corner.
- Dick Cheney getting stabbed in the heart by a homeless WWII veteran.
- The announcement that marijuana is now legal.
- George Bush dying in plane crash.
- Bill O’Reilly getting caught on his knees tossing Barney Frank’s salad.
- Glenn Beck getting hit by a bus.
- News that the new bailout money will go directly to the American people.
- And…Barack Obama agreeing to deport my old computer science teacher because he’s a dick.
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