We’re all fucked.

Health officials around the world worked to contain what appears to be a spreading swine flu outbreak early Monday, while one out of every five residents of Mexico’s most populous city wore masks to protect themselves against the virus.

Mexico seems to be the epicenter of the outbreak, where as many as 103 deaths are thought to have been caused by swine flu, the country’s health minister said. An additional 1,614 reported cases have been reported in the country.

So far, however, only 18 cases have been confirmed by laboratory tests in Mexico and reported to the World Health Organization.

The United States stepped up preparations for a possible epidemic of the virus after 20 cases were confirmed, and Canada announced its first cases of the virus Sunday — six mild cases.

How does this happen?  How does a deadly virus like this spread throughout the world when we’re living in the most medically advanced period in human history?  (I’m sure some people will say the Spanish flu happened during the most medically advanced period in human history, and those people can choke to death on a horse’s cock.)

I have a theory, and it doesn’t involve the Republicans slashing 900 million dollars from the stimulus budget for pandemic preparation.

But before I get to my theory, I need present the facts.

FACT:

On April 16, President Obama went down to Mexico to support the Mexican government in its fight against the drug cartels.  During a break at a press conference, the Mexican President Felipe Calderon leans over and whispers to Obama, “Come on Mr. President, just legalized the goddamn drugs so we can end this stupid fucking war.  For Christ’s sake, you fucking smoked weed.  How bad can it be?”

President Obama laughs and whispers back, “Naw man, I don’t do that anymore.  Besides, this drug war thingy is making a lot of powerful people extremely rich.  If I fuck with them, then they fuck with me and I can’t fucking have that.  But don’t worry about the drug cartels.  I’ve got a plan.”

FACT:

Felipe presses Obama for more information but doesn’t get any.  Felipe calls Obama a “stupid nigger” under his breath.

FACT:

On April 23 the Washington Post informs the public that the military “lost” a horse virus with a Spanish name.   Its symptoms include a mild flu-like illness but can also cause brain inflammation and death.

Now here’s my theory.

While Obama was getting a sloppy Mexican blow job from Felipe Calderon, a team of Navy Seals parachuted into a small Mexican village where the notorious Mexican drug lord Joaquin Guzman was rumored to be banging some 13-year-old girl.   The Seals administered the “lost” virus to the entire village through some sort of new C4-like explosion device and then left.  The virus takes between 3 to 7 days to infected its victim, giving Obama enough time to cum in  Felipe’s mouth and get home before Michelle suspects anything.

Obama then gives out the antidote to Texas, California, Kansas, Ohio, and New York since he knows people in those states will get infected.  After those states administer the antidote to the people who will get sick, Obama then will create a massive panic and will swiftly move to create an One World Government which will enslave humanity forever.

I’m just fucking with you.  There’s no way Barack Obama would use a chemical weapon to take out a drug lord in Mexico so he could create an one world government.  That’s just crazy.

Everybody knows this swine flu pandemic is just a globial cover-up for the impending zombie apocalypse.

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Tags: Barack Obama, Felipe Calderón, Mexico, Swine Flu, War on Drugs, We're all going to die
Comments (4)

Where the fuck is all this money coming from?

A $197m (£133m) aid package to help Mexico fight drugs cartels has been released by the US government.

It is part of the Merida Initiative, a $400m (£270m) scheme to assist Mexico’s efforts to take on the drugs trade.

US Ambassador Tony Garza formally unveiled the program, which includes the donation of helicopters and surveillance aircraft, in Mexico City.

Could someone explain to me why my fucking money is being spent on shit I don’t agree on?

Bailing out Wall Street, bailing out the auto industry and now funding Mexico’s ‘War on Drugs’. Why do I have to sign a stack of papers in order to shit in a cup for a job interview that I won’t get but the US government can snap its fingers and hand out 197 million dollars?

Do they think shit like this is supposed to scare me?

Mexican newspaper El Universal says at least 5,000 people have been killed in drugs-related violence this year.

The newspaper, which has been keeping tallies for the past four years, said that the number of people killed by organized crime was on course to be double the 2,700 deaths registered in 2007.

Deaths had been happening at an average of one an hour during the past 42 days, El Universal said.

Big fucking deal. Every minute two pussies kill themselves somewhere in the world but I don’t see our government dropping a billion dollars to prevent it. Yea you read me right, a BILLION FUCKING DOLLARS.

President Felipe Calderon, has long sought, and been promised, financial aid from Washington to try to defeat the traffickers.

The initiative is part of a $1.6bn (£1.1bn) US plan to help train and equip security forces and strengthen justice systems in Mexico, Central America and the Caribbean.

How fucking stupid are we? We give away 1.6 billion dollars to another country so they can fight a fictitious war that could easily be won by LEGALIZING drugs.

For all you pussies out there who think that I’m a stupid, lazy liberal, blow me.

Over half a million people in the United States die every year from tobacco and alcohol. I don’t see any of you screaming at the top of your lungs for our government to ban these substances, even though we tried to on alcohol in the 1920′s…how did that turn out again?

Fucking legalize drugs and TAX THE SHIT OUT OF THEM. Who cares if people overdose on drugs? As long as we make money off of them then fuck ‘em, let them choke on their own vomit.

Not only does this solution make us money but it also takes the power away from drug dealers. Why would Americans deal with evil drug dealers when they could go down to their friendly gas station for their drug of choice?

But this will never happen, it’s too simple a solution. Americans would rather spend billions of dollars on this stupid cause so they feel better about themselves.

Although three-fourths of these same Americans will die from lung cancer because of their constant chain smoking or will kill someone while driving home from the bar after one to many drinks with their friends…stupid fucking hypocrites…

…I hope every one of them die of a deadly case of herpes…

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Tags: Central America, Cocaine, Congress, Drunk driving, Federal government of the United States, Felipe Calderón, Illegal drug trade, Marijuana, Mexico, Mexico City, United States, US government, War on Drugs
Comments (2)