www.youtube.com/watch?v=-6KGZ4UQjgc

Praise Jebus for groupthink.

What’s your deal? First you kill Billy Mays, then you fuck over Mark Sanford, and now you force Sarah Palin to resign.

Outgoing Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin on Saturday laid the groundwork to take on a larger, national role after leaving state government, citing a “higher calling” with the aim of uniting the country along conservative lines.

Okay, I can understand you taking Billy Mays because you needed his expertise in getting out wine stains. And I can forgive you for striking down Mark Sanford since he missed your sign on whom he should marry. But why did you have to force Sarah Palin to resign?

Was it because she didn’t support the Bridge to Nowhere, or because she likes to read so much? Did you kick her out of office because you were pissed at her for not shining a light on teen pregnancy,  or because she was too humble and didn’t want to make a concession speech?

Tell me God. Tell me why you took the only thing I loved in this world. Tell me why you forced a fighter, someone who speaks from the heart and who cuts through all the political bullshit, out of office. Tell me why you made her ruin America’s birthday.

Oh, well I guess that’s a pretty good reason.

So umm, you think maybe you could leak that video? Because if you did, I’d be your best friend.

[Ed. note - Yeah, that last link isn't work safe. Click at your own risk.]

Can you spot the difference between these two pictures?  If you said no because both pictures are religious propaganda then give yourself a fucking hand.

In a lengthy article on Donald Rumsfeld’s rocky tenure as Defense Secretary, GQ published never-before-seen cover sheets from top-secret intelligence briefings produced by Rumsfeld’s Pentagon. Starting in the days surrounding the U.S. invasion of Iraq, the cover sheets featured inspirational Bible verses printed over military images, “and were delivered by Rumsfeld himself to the White House” to the president, “who referred to America’s war on terror as a ‘crusade,’” GQ writes. (view the images here)

Not only were our soldiers handing out Bibles while slaughtering hundreds of innocent civilians, but our former president was getting daily military briefings with retarded Bible Verses and military images on the front page.  What retarded Bible Verses were used you ask?  These award winners:

Teir arrows are sharp, all their bows are strung; their horses’ hoofs seem like flint, their chariot wheels are like a whirl wind. Isaiah 5:28

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Ephesians 6:13

Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed. Proverbs 16:3

But the award for “Most Retarded Bible Verse That Graced the Cover of a Top Secret Military Briefing Given to George W. Bush” is:

It is God’s will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish men. 1 Peter 2:15

This is a bad dream right?  I mean, there’s no way the former President of the Untied States and his administration used the deaths of 3,000 American citizens to justify torture and use it to get suspected terrorist to provide a false link to a shitty third world country so we could invade it and give billions of taxpayers’s dollars to their political friends while sacrificing thousands of American lives – right?

How do people watch this man?  Who gets their news from this silver-haired cunt?  Who is responsible for making this man so popular?  Because we need to find these people, and put a fucking bullet in their head.

There’s no goddamn excuse for this shit.  This man is a retarded, racist, sexist, stupid piece of shit who shouldn’t be allowed on TV.   He’s so fucking stupid, his co-worker mocks him.  He lies,  he makes fun of his guests, and he gets mocked by guests on other Fox shows.

And what the fuck is up with this 9-12 bullshit?  How can someone who talks shit about 9-11 victims be allowed to run a website like this?  What are his goals?  Does he want us to live in fear of being attacked again?  Does he want us to lose our balls, and have us rely on the government for safety?   Does he want us to allow our government to pass another bill like the Patriotic Act?   Does he want us to allow the government to continue to do things like wiretapping, torture, illegal searches, and assassinations because we’re afraid?

Fuck Glenn Beck.

And fuck  God.  I blame all this shit on His stupid fucking ass, since He’s all-knowing and all-powerful.  He should’ve known how big a fuck-up Glenn Beck was going to be.  He should’ve known how Glenn Beck was going to be another Benny Hinn.  He should’ve known how Glenn Beck was going to slowly bringing down the intelligence of His people, and He should’ve made Glenn Beck’s mom have a fucking miscarriage.

So fuck God.  Fuck Him right in His invisable asshole.  I hope He breaks His goddamn leg during His battle against Satan, and fucking loses – worthless cocksucker.

This man…he’s…he’s fucking retarded.  There’s no other way to explain it.  He’s a goddamn retard.   I mean who the fuck cares if Barack Obama isn’t sworn in on the Bible?  Does Glenn Beck think that if Barack Obama swears in on the Bible that he will be forced to follow the Constitution?   Because we all know how well that worked with George Bush and Dick Cheney.

The Bible is nothing but a giant book and it won’t protect jackshit.  It’s worthless.  It’s merely a prop used to help those stupid fucking “religious” people sleep better at night.  Want to know how I know that the Bible holds no magical powers over those that place their hand over it and swear to it?  I’ve been doing a little experiment.

At 12:01 am, on January 1st, I placed my right hand on the Bible, raised my left hand and swore that I would not wipe my ass with pages torn from the Bible.  Guess what?  I fucking lied.  Each time I take a shit, I rip a page out of the Bible and wipe my ass…and holy fucking Christ does it feel good.

But you want to know what happens?

Not a goddamn thing.  Nothing.  I haven’t been struck down.  I haven’t developed boils on my ass.   My asshole hasn’t suddenly disappeared.   Not one fucking thing has happened to me since I’ve started this experiment.  And you want to know why?

Because the Bible is just a stupid, fucking book.  That’s it.  A work of fiction that has had many authors add fucked up stories to it so that stupid people will believe it and be easier to control.

So Glenn Beck, would you please shut the fuck up?  Because every time your retarded ass says something, you make that retard from Something About Mary seem like a fucking genius.

Was the whole point of Barack Obama’s inauguration to jerk off God?  Every other word was either “God Bless this country” or “God help this man lead” or “God help the people of this country get by” or “God please don’t let me freeze my ass off while I stand here looking like a fucking idiot”.

And they had their ass covered with all the people they brought in for this orgy of Godness.  They brought in Gene Robinson in case God was in favor of gays; they brought in Rick Warren in case He was against gays; and they brought in that cute little black man in case God liked His prays to rhymes.

They even used two different Bibles to swear in Barack Obama and Joe Biden.  Why?  Was one Bible better than the other?  Was one holier than the other?  Did one feel better than the other?  What was the point of that shit?

I hate to break it to you people but God doesn’t give a fuck about America.  He doesn’t give a fuck about anything. Why? Because he isn’t real.  He’s made up.  A figment of your imagination.  But…but if that hurt your pussified eyes to read and you don’t believe me, than I’ve got another answer for why God doesn’t give a shit about America.

He has more important things to worry about than a bunch of stupid, fat, lazy motherfuckers who don’t think for themselves and believe whatever their crooked government tells them to.  Like trying to get stop the killings of thousands of Palestinians in Gaza. Or trying to stop the genocide in Darfur.  Or trying to provide food for the thousands of people starving in Indonesia.  Or maybe He is just too busy trying to figure out what the fuck is going on in Lost.

Whatever the reason is, He doesn’t care.  So please, please, do this country a favor and shut the fuck up with all this crazy talking to an invisible person in the sky shit.

Or if you are going to pray to somebody, how about praying to Jesus…since this country is a “Christian” country. I’m sure that guy is feeling pretty stupid for dying on the cross for a bunch of people who believe in Him but don’t feel the need to pray to Him…

It has been a crazy week thus far so I wanted to point out some stories that might have slipped past your radar.

Paling doesn’t know Africa – Big deal. I couldn’t tell you where the second largest continent was either.  I don’t care about this either.  The only news about Sarah Palin I want to hear is when she graces the cover of Playboy.  Until then…fuck her.

Crazy Christians after Obama – Those ‘God Hates Fags‘ asshats are going to protest Barack Obama’s grandmother’s funeral. I’m guessing they really hate Death and are showing their disapproval by protesting.  If Death has a change of heart and brings back Obama’s grandmother, these cockmunchers can protest my funeral.

Stock Market is doing just fine – I’m kidding. It’s tanking again. Fun times.

I’m moving to Massachusetts – I can’t wait to see a Red Soxs game stoned…at Fenway.

How the hell did the American flag not get blown away? Everything else in that picture is destroyed but the flag.   What kind of material is used to make that thing?  I bet that woman is crying because she chose not to use the same material she used for the flag on her house.  I know that’s what I would be crying about.

Anyways..what the heck was this article about?

Wearing jeans and rubber boots, clutching Bibles and weeping between hymns, residents of the storm-shattered Texas coast comforted one another Sunday at makeshift church services that provided more than a respite from Hurricane Ike cleanup.

About 50 people came together on a basketball court outside the Oak Island Baptist Church on the tip of Trinity Bay. They sat on folding chairs or simply stood, forced outdoors by the 1-inch layer of mud left inside the one-story red brick building by flood waters that tossed pews like matchsticks.

Behind the church, a demolished mobile home was still lodged among trees, many of them snapped by the storm’s 110-mph winds that somehow left the church’s trio of 20-foot white crosses still standing. Across the street, piles of debris had sprouted, signs of the labor undertaken since the storm blew through last weekend and of the work yet to come.

“I know it’s hard. Looking around, it’s tough,” the Rev. Eddie Shauberger told the congregants. “But there is a God, and he has a plan for our lives.”

Are we supposed to guess what God’s plan is? Is that what you want from us  CNN? Do you want us average citizens to get to the bottom of the story while you sit back and make all the money? Do you?

Well alright, this is what I think…either God is trying to inform His followers that He hates mobile homes or He just sneezed and is really embarrassed so He decided to cover his tracks by leaving the crosses up in hopes to make it look religious.

I’m leaning toward He hates mobile homes because if I know the Lord as well as I think…He can’t stand those things.

I know I do....

Does it not say somewhere in the Bible to take care of those less fortunate than you?  Well then why are we as a Christian nation getting upset about helping those people out on Wall Street?  Wouldn’t Christ do the same thing? Let us help those people who work for AIG and pray that America will rally around them and support them in their time of need.  It is the Christian thing to do.

I mean who knows…maybe Jesus (or is it God? I always get confused about who to pray to when I want something) will provide a house for my parents. Lord knows they need it.

Yesterday I broke a story about Barack Obama selling waffles with his face on the box for his campaign. Well I just learned that Obama didn’t do it.  Two patriotic Americans, Mark Whitlock and Bob DeMoss, made these delicious waffles. Somehow the extremely liberal New York Times scored the first interview. Don’t ask how they did it but I’m sure it involved some Chinese male hooker driving a taxi full of Columbian cocaine. Just a theory. Hey..every man (excluding Jesus of course) has a price.  Anyways the article reveals where Mark Whitlock and Bob DeMoss got their inspiration for this amazing product:

Asked if he considered the pictures of Obama on the box to be racial stereotypes, Whitlock said: ”We had some people mention that to us, but you think of Newman’s Own or Emeril’s — there are tons and tons of personality-branded food products on the market. So we’ve taken that model and, using political satire, have highlighted his policies, his position changes.”

When people ask me “Ron why do you believe in God?” I respond with a heart warming story about two men who had a dream, a dream of selling slightly racist waffles. They tried thousands of black faces on the side of different boxes.  Each combination was met with failure.   Until one fathiful day at a grocery store, they spotted a can of Newman’s Own. With Paul Newman’s chiseled face making sweet mind love to their frontal lobe, they won over the hearts at the christian convention Value Voters Summit with the best “slightly racist waffles” called  “Obama Waffles.”