Meet the new boss. Same as the old boss.

Obama:

To address these important issues, it’s important to recall why America and our allies were compelled to fight a war in
Afghanistan in the first place. We did not ask for this fight. On September 11, 2001, 19 men hijacked four airplanes and used them to murder nearly 3,000 people. They struck at our military and economic nerve centers. They took the lives of innocent men, women, and children without regard to their faith or race or station.

Bush:

On September the 11th, 2001, we saw what a refuge for extremists on the other side of the world could bring to the streets of our own cities. For the safety of our people, America must succeed in Iraq.

Obama:

We will strengthen Pakistan’s capacity to target those groups that threaten our countries, and have made it clear that we
cannot tolerate a safe haven for terrorists whose location is known and whose intentions are clear.

Bush:

The prime minister understands this. Here is what he told his people just last week: The Baghdad security plan will not provide a safe haven for any outlaws, regardless of sectarian or political affiliation.

Obama:

Commanders in Afghanistan repeatedly asked for support to deal with the reemergence of the Taliban, but these
reinforcements did not arrive. And that’s why, shortly after taking office, I approved a longstanding request for more
troops.

Bush:

This is a strong commitment. But for it to succeed, our commanders say the Iraqis will need our help. So America will change our strategy to help the Iraqis carry out their campaign to put down sectarian violence and bring security to the people of Baghdad.

Obama:

We must deny al Qaeda a safe haven. We must reverse the Taliban’s momentum and deny it the ability to overthrow the
government. And we must strengthen the capacity of Afghanistan’s security forces and government so that they can take lead responsibility for Afghanistan’s future.

Bush:

Our troops will have a well-defined mission: to help Iraqis clear and secure neighborhoods, to help them protect the local population, and to help ensure that the Iraqi forces left behind are capable of providing the security that Baghdad needs.

Obama:

The 30,000 additional troops that I’m announcing tonight will deploy in the first part of 2010 — the fastest possible pace — so that they can target the insurgency and secure key population centers. They’ll increase our ability to train competent Afghan security forces, and to partner with them so that more Afghans can get into the fight.

Bush:

We will help the Iraqis build a larger and better-equipped Army, and we will accelerate the training of Iraqi forces, which remains the essential U.S. security mission in Iraq.

Obama:

Now, let me be clear: There has never been an option before me that called for troop deployments before 2010, so there has been no delay or denial of resources necessary for the conduct of the war during this review period. Instead, the review has allowed me to ask the hard questions, and to explore all the different options, along with my national security team, our military and civilian leadership in Afghanistan, and our key partners. And given the stakes involved, I owed the American people — and our troops — no less.

Bush:

It is clear that we need to change our strategy in Iraq. So my national security team, military commanders and diplomats conducted a comprehensive review.

We consulted members of Congress from both parties, allies abroad, and distinguished outside experts.

Obama:

We’ll continue to advise and assist Afghanistan’s security forces to ensure that they can succeed over the long haul. But it will be clear to the Afghan government — and, more importantly, to the Afghan people — that they will ultimately be responsible for their own country.

Bush:

I have made it clear to the prime minister and Iraq’s other leaders that America’s commitment is not open-ended. If the Iraqi government does not follow through on its promises, it will lose the support of the American people. And it will lose the support of the Iraqi people.

Obama:

Now, let me be clear: None of this will be easy. The struggle against violent extremism will not be finished quickly, and it extends well beyond Afghanistan and Pakistan.

Bush:

This new strategy will not yield an immediate end to suicide bombings, assassinations or IED attacks. Our enemies in Iraq will make every effort to ensure that our television screens are filled with images of death and suffering.

How else would you explain this?

Defense contractor KBR may have exposed as many as 100,000 people, including US troops, to cancer-causing toxins by burning waste in open-air pits in Iraq, says a series of class-action lawsuits filed against the company.

The plaintiffs filing the lawsuits say they have suffered from health problems ranging in seriousness from shortness of breath to cancer. Russell Keith, a paramedic from Huntsville, Alabama, told the Senate Democratic Policy Committee his doctors believe his development of Parkinson’s disease was triggered by 15 months of daily exposure to the burn pits at Joint Base Balad in Iraq. Another plaintiff claims to have developed kidney disease as a result of exposure.

So, when will the teabaggers cry out to their corporate masters about passing legislation revoking KBR’s federal funding?

Because why else would he be doing this?

U.S. Rep. Mark Kirk will call for legislation Monday that would toughen drug trafficking laws regarding a highly-potent form of marijuana, with penalties of up to 25 years in prison for a 1st-time offense.

The law would target offenders who sell or distribute marijuana that has a THC content exceeding 15 percent, which is between 5 and 10 percent higher than average marijuana, according to Kirk’s office. THC, or tetrahydrocannabinol, is the main active ingredient in marijuana.

I like this law. I like the message it sends to drug dealers. It lets them know that we’re sick of losing the War on Drugs, and we will not stand around with our thumbs up our asses while they destroy our magnificent country one dime bag at a…I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

This  is a stupid fucking law. 25 years in jail for first time offenders? For selling a little bit of pot? Really? Shouldn’t this be for pot dealers that kill people or pot dealers that rape people or pot dealers that kill then rape people? I mean, isn’t this legislation a bit excessive?

What the fuck am I talking about? Of course it isn’t. It’s pot dealers that are destroying this country.

Because of pot dealers millions of Americans are out of work, homeless, and uninsured. Because of pot dealers thousands of American soldiers and hundreds of thousands of Iraqi citizens have been killed in a senseless war. Because of pot dealers companies with political connections are getting billions of American taxpayers’ dollars through no-bid contracts. Because of pot dealers the Federal Reserve can’t account for 9 trillion dollars. Because of pot dealers our government had to bailout Wall Street, take over GM, and torture detainees.

So I’m sorry Mr. Kirk. I forgot you are a man on a mission sent from God. Please continue to call for legislation that would make Stalin cream his pants. Because the sooner we get those sorry pot dealers in jail, the sooner our country and way of life will improve.

Update: Thanks Zirgar for pointing out how incredibly stupid Mark Kirk is.

But I agree with Barack Obama.

In a dramatic, high-profile reversal for his young administration, President Barack Obama is seeking to block the release of 44 photographs depicting abuse of detainees in U.S. military custody in Iraq and Afghanistan.

“The publication of these photos would not add any additional benefit to our understanding of what was carried out in the past by small number of individuals,” the president told reporters Wednesday as he left the White House on a two-day trip to the Southwest.

“In fact,’ he said, “the most direct consequence of releasing them, I believe, would be to further inflame anti-American opinion and to put our troops in greater danger.”

Look, I know I’m going to get a few angry emails about agreeing with Barack Obama, but let’s use logic for a moment.  Once the Muslim world sees these horrific pictures of us waterboarding detainees, slamming their heads into walls, slicing their genitals, and electrocuting them -  they’re going to be pissed.  And who are the Muslims going to take it out on?

That’s right, the men and women overseas protecting the freedoms we take for granted.

Sure, Barack Obama could protect our soldiers by forcing the military to stop bombing small villages and killing hundreds of innocent civilians.  And sure, Barack Obama could also protect our soldiers by forcing the military to stop using chemical weapons against innocent civilians.  And yes, Barack Obama could protect our soldiers by forcing them to stop handing out Bibles.  But come on, let’s be realistic here, if Barack Obama stopped doing any of these things then the terrorist win.

And Barack Obama knows that terrorist cannot be allowed to win.  But he also knows the only way America can win the support of the Muslim world is by not showing these torture pictures.

Because anyone who knows anything about Muslims knows the one thing that pisses them off the most isn’t the unjustified occupation, the murdering of innocent civilians, the raping of innocent women, the torture, the destruction of their villages, and the economic collapse of their nation – it’s photographs of enhanced interrogation techniques….

Looks like Iraq is starting to see some improvements.  Naw, I’m just fucking with ya.

Suicide bombers in Iraq launched two deadly attacks Thursday, killing at least 55 people in Diyala province and at least 28 people in Baghdad, an Interior Ministry official said.

Four other people were killed in two other incidents, making Thursday the deadliest day in Iraq this year, with at least 87 dead and more than 120 wounded.

Jesus Christ.  87 people killed in one day?  Do you think those people are counted toward the 87,215 Iraqi citizens that have been killed since 2005?

What am I talking about?  Who the fuck cares about the number of Iraqi citizens killed in this war?  We have a job to do.

We have to continue to pour billions of dollars into Iraq.  We have to continue to risk our soldiers’ lives in a war based on lies.  We have to continue to kick down random Iraqis’ doors and kidnap them.  We have to continue to torture Iraqis for information about upcoming attacks they know nothing about.  We have to continue to spread democracy throughout the Middle East.

We have to continue to fuck over Americans by not providing them with health care, better education, better housing, more food, and more jobs.  We have to continue to sacrifice for those people who are profiting from this war.  We have to continue to give up our freedoms for the illusion of safety.  We have to continue to ignore how much our government doesn’t care about us.

We have to continue to stand by and do nothing as our nation collapses before our eyes.

Update:  Looks like things are continuing to get better.

General Petraeus needs more troops in Afganastan.

Gen. David H. Petraeus disclosed yesterday that American commanders have requested the deployment of an additional 10,000 U.S. troops to Afghanistan next year, but he said the request awaits a final decision by President Obama this fall.

Petraeus acknowledged that the ratio of coalition and Afghan security forces to the population is projected through 2011 to be significantly lower than the 20 troops per 1,000 people prescribed by the Army counterinsurgency manual he helped write.

Alright, so we’re either going to have 68,000 or 78,000 troops in Afghanistan, plus 50,000 troops in Iraq.  I’ve got to ask, haven’t we fucked with these people long enough?

I mean, why the hell should we have 100,000 or more troops in the Middle East?  Because if we don’t the terrorist might follow us home?  Because the safety of the United States is in jeopardy if we leave?  Because the people of the Middle East love us so much they want us to stay forever?

And for fuck’s sake, haven’t we killed enough brown people?  I mean Jesus Christ, that’s all we kill  now.  I’m sick of killing brown people.  Could we please start killing white people again?

Like those assholes on Wall Street?

Could we please bomb their homes?  Could we please kick in their doors and dishonor them in front of their families?  Could we please kidnap their wives and daughters and hold them hostage until they turn themselves in?  Could we please throw them in a dirty jail cell and repeatedly slam their heads against a wall?  Could we please hook their nuts up to a car battery and fry them off?  Could we please tie them to the hood of our Humvees and drive around?  Could we please forcibly shove a metal pipe up their asses and rip out their intestines?  Could we please waterboard them?  Could we please rape their wives and daughters?  Could we please murder their sons?

I mean shit, it will keep us from spending billions of dollars each month in a foreign country, and it would deter those assholes from fucking up the economy again.  Plus, we could finally bring our troops home.

But I guess this doesn’t make much sense.  It’s a lot easier fucking with poor brown people halfway across the world who want us to leave them the fuck alone, than it is fucking with rich white people in our own backyard who have caused our economy to fail.

The new Afghan war strategy unveiled Friday by US President Barack Obama goes beyond “bullets and bombs” to a plan to overhaul international aid to Afghanistan and Pakistan.

Dismissing past aid efforts as ill-organized and underfunded, it calls for a civilian surge in Afghanistan to match the military one as well as for a 7.5 billion dollar development plan and special economic zones for Pakistan.

Whether you want to admit it or not, the United States came under attack on 9-11-01, and those responsible live in Afghanistan, Pakistan, and Iraq.  We cannot allow those 3,000 Americans to die in vain.  We must show the world that attacks on American citizens will not be tolerated.

But why stop there?  Americans are under attack every day.  To be safe, we need to spend  money on everything that’s trying to attack and kill us.  We need to spend:

• 2.1 billion dollars to fight alcohol since 85,000 Americans die from it each year.
• 3.2 billion dollars to fight tobacco  since 435,000 Americans die from it each year.
• 11.9 billion dollars to fight choking since 2,800 Americans die from it each year.
• 57.2 billion dollars to fight cancer since 565,650 Americans die from it each year.
• 9.1 billion dollars to fight murder since 16,137 Americans die from it each year.
• 6.9 billion dollars to fight rape since 94,635 Americans are attacked by it each year.
• 1.8 billion dollars to fight food poisoning since 76 million Americans are attacked by it each year.
• 1.9 billion dollars to fight chronic masturbation syndrome since thousands of lonely teenagers are attacked by it each year.
• 2.89 billion dollars to fight dry vagina syndrome since hundreds of old American women are attacked by it each year.
• 4.9 billion dollars to fight gayness since 957,200 heterosexual marriages are attacked by it each year.
• 3.26 billion dollars to fight those fucking bums who always attacked me for money each year.
• 10.32 billion dollars to fight dwarfism because tiny people always attack me each year.

With President Obama’s leadership and Congress’ funding, Americans will never have to worry about being attacked and killed again.

…a complete dumbass.

A congressional trip to Iraq this weekend was supposed to be a secret.

But the cat’s out of the bag now, thanks to a member of the House Intelligence Committee who broke an embargo via Twitter.

A delegation led by House Minority Leader John A. Boehner , R-Ohio, arrived in Iraq earlier today, and because of Rep. Peter Hoekstra , R-Mich., the entire world — or at least Twitter.com readers—now know they’re there.

“Just landed in Baghdad,” messaged Hoekstra, a former chairman of the Intelligence panel and now the ranking member, who is routinely entrusted to keep some of the nation’s most closely guarded secrets.

Before the delegation left Washington, they were advised to keep the trip to themselves for security reasons. A few media outlets, including Congressional Quarterly, learned about it, but agreed not to disclose anything until the delegation had left Iraq.

I love it.  Alright..there has to be a great joke in here somwhere, I just have to find it.  Okay, how about I make a joke where I say I’m not surprised by this fuckers lack of intelligence because he’s the ranking Republican member on the House Intelligence Committee and look where their intelligence got us?  No?  No, you’re right…that fucking sucked.  Let’s try another one.   Okay, um…how about I make a joke where I talk about how old people and technology don’t mix and then take a shot at John McCain?  No?  Yeah, you’re right again.  I mean it’s a little better than the first one but it still sucks balls and nobody gives a shit about John McCain anymore.  Okay, I got it, how about I make a joke about how stupid people are in Michigan for electing this fucking guy?  No?  Goddammit.  Yeah, yeah, yeah…I know…I don’t want to make fun of all the people in Michigan…just the stupid fucks that voted the guy in.

Jesus Christ, I fucking suck at this today.   I can’t think of one joke at the expense of this cunt?  What’s wrong with me?  Oh fuck you…I know I can be funny.  Hey…that’s it.

I’m going to show everyone the best part of Congressman Pete Hoekstra’s tweets?  Ready? Alright, here it is:

Love twitter critics.Spelling mistakes. Sorry but riding in poor light, bouncing around,speed not accuracy. Lighten up. Its called twitter
10:30 PM Feb 7th from TwitterBerry

That’s right.  Between giving away his position and announcing to the world that he’s in a classified meeting where US officals are talking about the “Long term impact of Iran”, this stupid motherfucker decides to lash out at his critics on Twitter. What a fucking tool.

Next time he goes over there and starts to Tweet his position to the entire world, I hope Al-Qaeda kidnaps his fatass, without killing any of the soldiers that were protecting him, and takes him to their secret hideout deep inside an old, used up, coal mine.   When he gets there I hope he starts to cry uncontrollably and wet his pants every twenty minutes.  I hope he can pull it together for a couple of seconds and ask the men how they found him.  I hope the men start speaking in rapid Arabic, with a couple of English words thrown in there to fuck with his head, and I hope it makes him cry even harder because he was too lazy to learn their fucking language.  I hope he asks the same question three more times before a 6’5 Al-Qaeda member steps in front of him and slaps him so hard that a three foot long snot rocket flies out of his nose and lands on a nearby laptop.  Then I hope the 6’5 Al-Qaeda member laughs with the rest of his buddies as he points to the laptop screen that shows that they were following his updates on Twitter.

Then  I hope Al-Qaeda dresses him up as a girl and repeatly rapes him in the ass while filming it live on the Internet and forces him to convert to Islam.  Once he does that and pisses off every fucking Christian in the United States, I hope Al-Qaeda lets him go with a homemade card that he’s forced to deliver to George Bush that reads, “You’re a fucking moron and I fucked your wife and mom late last year while your dad watched, jerking off in the corner.  Love, Osama Bin Laden  P.S.  You’ll never catch me you retarded cock muncher.”

I really…really hope this happens…

The Augusta Chronicle is running a section in their paper were elementary, middle and high school students write letters to  Barack Obama, telling him what they hope he will do once he gets into office on January 20th. Since Barack Obama is an amazing person, he decided to write back.  This is why he’s going to be a better president than George Bush.

Dear Mr. President,
My name is Dasani Gates and there are a few things I would like for you to do as president. One thing I would like for you to do is improve the salary of working people. If you would improve the salary of working people, my mom wouldn’t have to work two jobs to support me and my family. The next thing I would like for you to do as president is to lower prices for gas, food, and taxes. If you would lower the prices for these things my mom would have more money to buy me more clothes to wear and more toys to play with. I would also like you to improve the health care benefits for everyone in America. If you improve the health care benefits, everyone would have better dental and medical care for their families. The last thing I would like you to do as president is to improve the learning environment for all students in America. If you improve the learning environment, we would have better schools to learn in, new books to learn with and better after-school activities so everyone will be well rounded students. I believe if you do these things you will be the best president in the United States of America.
Sincerely,
Dasani Gates
Second-grader at Lord House of Praise
Christian School; Waynesboro, Ga.

Dear Ms. Gates,
I want to start off this letter by thanking you for writing.  I know how hard it is to sit down and put words on paper and I’m glad that your second grade teacher forced you to do this.  This shows that you can follow orders and I value that.  But what the fuck are you thinking telling me what to do?  Have you forgotten who I am already?  I’m BARACK OBAMA bitch.  Don’t you think I’ve already thought up of ways to improve people’s salary?  What the fuck do you think I’ve been doing since I slapped that old white guy in the face with my big black dick?  I’ve got shit under control.

Instead of worrying about people’s salaries, you should be worrying about how selfish you are.  Asking me to raise your mother’s salary so she can buy you clothes and toys and shit.  You’re lucky you aren’t my daughter or I would beat the shit out of you for being selfish and disrespecting your mother like that.  I’m sure she doesn’t want you writing me to complain about how poor you are.  You’ve lost your goddamn mind.  You know what?  Because you’ve insulted your mother, I’m going to make sure your school doesn’t get any funding and your second grade teacher is fired.  How do you like that bitch?
Thanks again for writing me and letting me know how you feel. Hope you have a great year.

God bless you and God bless America,
President Barack Obama

Dear Mr. President,
I want you to keep companies in America so my dad will stop looking to see if it’s made in China. It is important to keep jobs because one of my friend’s dad does not have a job.
Get better schools for your kids. Please get a better facility and supplies for your kids. We only have two computers in our classroom. We could learn more with more computers. Send us some money please.
Sincerely,
Savannah Makowski
Third-grader at
Roy Rollins Elementary School, Augusta

Dear Ms. Makowski,
I want you to do something for me, alright?  I want you to walk up to your dad and tell him to SHUT THE FUCK UP.  Why the hell is he complaining about China now?  I don’t see any letters written to Ronald Regan from him about this China problem.  I wonder why? Oh that’s right, it’s because I’m black. I’m that Magical Negro and I’m supposed to use my magical powers to make all the white people feel better.  Ain’t that right masta’?

Your father he can go fuck himself in his deer stand.  I hope him and your best friend’s dad go hunting, get drunk and kill get other…stupid fucking rednecks.

As far as my kids go, you’re goddamn right they will have the best of everything. I’m not stupid enough to send them to a poor school like your worthless father did to you.  You can forget me sending you money because your dad will take it and spend it on Bud Light and chewing tobacco.  One second thought..I will send you some money because I hope your dad gets drunk and beats the shit out of you and your mom.

God bless you and God bless America,
President Barack Obama

Dear President Obama,
Congratulations on being the next president of the United States! I hope you will make the best decisions for our country. One of the most important things I think you should reconsider is this: Every time you make a decision, think about how it will affect everyone and put yourself in their position. I find that helps me to make the right decisions. For example: abortion. What if you were the baby? If you could fast forward in time and defend yourself, would you? ONly you can make this decision for yourself. I hope you choose wisely for this country. God bless.
Sincerely,
Will Skelton
Eighth-grader at
Stallings Island Middle School, Evans

Dear Will Skelton,
Thank you for congratulation me on becoming the new President.  I’m not going to lie…I was shocked that I won.  I thought that old man and his super hot, stupid bitch would steal the election from me like George Bush did to Al Gore and John Kerry.  But I was wrong…and that will be the only time I’ll ever be wrong again.

Now about your question on if I was a baby would I defend myself from abortion.  Who put you up to that?  I bet it was your mom, wasn’t it?  Or was it your grandma?  It couldn’t have been your father because he would have made you ask me about China like Savannah’s dad did since I’m sure he is a huge fucking redneck.  Let me ask you something…why do you care about abortion?  Does it affect you in any way?  Is it your body?  Does it even concern you?

Fuck no it doesn’t, so how about you mind your own goddamn business. When you give birth three or four times and have to go through everything a woman has to go through, then I will take your question into consideration. Until then, you and your goddamn  family can shut the fuck up.

Goddamn I wish your mother would have aborted you. Then I wouldn’t have had to read your stupid fucking letter…you dumb shit.

God bless you and God bless America,
President Barack Obama

Dear President Obama,

America is ready for change. I am very glad you are going to be our next president because there have been too many Republicans in the presidency. I think there should be less conflict between the Republicans and the Democrats. Please lower taxes and take the troops out of Iraq; we are ready for them to come home. I hope that you will lower gas prices and that you will help the economy get back in shape as only you can.

Sincerely,
Benjamin Allen
Eighth-grader at
Stallings Island Middle School, Evans

Dear Benjamin Allen,
I too believe America is ready for a change and that’s why I made it my motto during the election. I just kept repeating “Change we can believe in” and soon enough people thought I could change things and they elected me.  Ha…people are so goddamn stupid.

Do you really think I’m going to change anything?  I’m not going to lower taxes, I’m going to raise them.  I’m not going to withdraw troops from Iraq, I’m going to send more.  I’m not going to give people universal health care, I’m going to help the insurance companies.  I’m going to do what ever other president has done before me, make the rich, richer and poor, poorer.  The only difference is I’m a nice looking black man with a mouthful of pearly white teeth and washboard abs.

I hope you like the ass fucking because it isn’t going to stop anytime soon.

God bless you and God bless America,
President Barack Obama

I honestly thought Barack Obama was going to change Washington and that scared me the shit out of me. I didn’t know what would happen if a politician followed through on their promises.  Would the world stop turning?  Would there be peace on Earth?  Would I get laid more?  Lucky for me he’s just like the rest of those slimy pussies.

Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates is asking many of the Bush administration’s 250 Pentagon political appointees to remain on the job until the incoming Obama administration finds replacements — a move designed to prevent a leadership vacuum with U.S. troops engaged in wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the Washington Times reported Tuesday.

The unusual request ensures that key policy positions will not be left to “acting” subordinates as typically occurs when political appointees are directed to resign during a presidential transition, according to the Times.

Man, Barack Obama fooled a ton of people. He made millions off of false promises to stupid people.  He will continue the war in Iraq and Afghanistan.  He will continue to bailout worthless companies with our money. He will continue to do the same stupid shit that George Bush has been doing for the past 8 years.

And I love it.  It’s about time a black man fucked this country up.  At least this man will sound intelligent giving a speech tricking us into a war with Iran and Russia. I can’t wait until he does…