Maybe I need to rethink this whole Christianity thing.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching on that front. What I find interesting is the story of David, and the way in which he fell mightily, he fell in very very significant ways. But then picked up the pieces and built from there.

I remain committed to rebuilding the trust that has been committed to me over the next 18 months, and it is my hope that I am able to follow the example set by David in the Bible — who after his fall from grace humbly refocused on the work at hand. By doing so, I will ultimately better serve in every area of my life, and I am committed to doing so.

Welp, I’m becoming a crazy Christian now because I can get away with anything as long as a famous Bible character did it.

So it’s okay for me to fuck my own daughters because Lot did it. And it’s okay for me to kill 42 children because Elisha did it. And fuck yeah, I can become a mass murderer just like Samson.

Damn this is so fucking cool. What are some other awesome things I can do?

I can sleep with thousands of women while I’m married because of Solomon. I can commit genocide like King David. And I can persuade a group of people to kill someone I don’t agree with like Paul. I can do all of these things because the Bible is my “Do Whatever The Fuck You Want And Get Away With It” card.

How can you not love this deal? Sure I’ll have to live in constant fear of pissing of God, but that’s a risk I’m willing to take. Besides, my boy Jesus is controlling my life now, and he’s never lead anyone astray.

That’s what’s bothering you?  Smiling?

Not the killing but the smiling?

What would you’ve said if he was frowning?  “Sure he’s killing all those people but look at his frown, it’s killing him.”

Guess what you stupid, brainless cunts?  I don’t care what his facial expression is, he’s killing hundreds of fucking people.  That tells me he’s FUCKING CRAZY!  YOU DON’T NEED TO TELL ME SHIT I KNOW, YOU NEED TO TELL ME SHIT I DON’T KNOW.

Jesus Christ.

What’s news worthy about a bunch of killers smiling?  Newsflash: THEY WOULDN’T KILL IF THEY DIDN’T ENJOY IT.

Stupid fucking channel and their stupid fucking anchors.  I hope everyone there dies in their sleep…those fucking assplugs…

Anytime I see Christians beating the shit outta each other…my dick gets hard

Israeli police rushed into one of Christianity’s holiest churches Sunday and arrested two clergymen after an argument between monks erupted into a brawl next to the site of Jesus’ tomb.

The clash broke out between Armenian and Greek Orthodox monks in the Church of the Holy Sepulcher, revered as the site of Jesus’ crucifixion, burial and resurrection.

It began as Armenian clergymen marched in an annual procession commemorating the 4th-century discovery of the cross believed to have been used to crucify Jesus. It ended with the arrival of dozens of riot policemen who separated the sides, seizing a bearded Armenian monk in a red-and-pink robe and a black-clad Greek Orthodox monk with a bloody gash on his forehead. Both men were taken away in handcuffs.

Six Christian sects divide control of the ancient church. They regularly fight over turf and influence, and Israeli police are occasionally forced to intervene.

The feud revolves around a demand by the Greek Orthodox to post a monk inside the Edicule — the ancient structure built on what is believed to be the tomb of Jesus — during the Armenian procession. The Armenians refused, and when they tried to march the Greek Orthodox monks blocked their way.

“We were keeping resistance so that the procession could not pass through … and establish a right that they don’t have,” said a young Greek Orthodox monk with a cut next to his left eye. The monk, who gave his name as Serafim, said he sustained the wound when an Armenian punched him from behind and broke his glasses.

Isn’t it ironic Christian monks, men who follow a man that said “I say to you, do not resist an evil person; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also.” would beat the shit out of each other?

It’s fucking great...

…I hope this catches on in the South.

It has been a crazy week thus far so I wanted to point out some stories that might have slipped past your radar.

Paling doesn’t know Africa – Big deal. I couldn’t tell you where the second largest continent was either.  I don’t care about this either.  The only news about Sarah Palin I want to hear is when she graces the cover of Playboy.  Until then…fuck her.

Crazy Christians after Obama – Those ‘God Hates Fags‘ asshats are going to protest Barack Obama’s grandmother’s funeral. I’m guessing they really hate Death and are showing their disapproval by protesting.  If Death has a change of heart and brings back Obama’s grandmother, these cockmunchers can protest my funeral.

Stock Market is doing just fine – I’m kidding. It’s tanking again. Fun times.

I’m moving to Massachusetts – I can’t wait to see a Red Soxs game stoned…at Fenway.

I love seeing the ‘funny’ costumes people wear on Halloween.

Trying to guess what their ‘statement’ is.  Which ‘issue’ they wish to discuss with people but can’t because their pussies hurt; so they use Halloween as a excuse to bring attention to their stupid fucking issues that I could give two shits about.

Christ…don’t these cock munchers know it’s make believe?  Nobody gives a shit about their costume.  Halloween is just an another excuse for people to slowly kill themselves since their life hasn’t turned out the way they planned.

I love it.

Take this picture for example.

Some of you might not understand why two men would put on flesh colored tights and place a rather large fig leaf over their genitals.  Let me explain.

In South Carolina there’s a popular joke said by Christians that ‘proves homosexuality is a sin’.  (Whatever the fuck that means.)  It goes something like this:

Christian: You wanna know how I know being gay is a sin?

Gay: I really don’t care.

Christian: Calm down and I’ll tell you.

Gay: I am calm. I was just telling you I don’t care what you think.

Christian: I know that you butt fucking fruits are an abomination to our Lord Jesus because God created the Earth for Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!

Yep…those guys are Adam and Steve.

But here is the best thing about this picture….the big goofy guy daydreaming about how amazing it would be to have a cock as long as mine, he’s married to a influential Christian high school teacher.

I shit you not.

Now I see why this nation is fucked up.

Christians care more about those who aren’t fucking them in the ass than those that are.

Like the United States government…

…or Wall Street….

…or both…

That man hasn’t experienced the warmth of his wife’s lady parts in a long time.

The Lord is full of grace. I’m still alive after this and the stock market is up.

He even is thinking about giving the banks a holiday.

Thank you Lord…thank you.

Dear Sweet Sexy Lord Jesus,

Thank you for breathing air into my sinful nostrils this morning and giving me this beautiful sunny day. Lord I do not deserve this beautiful day or any beautiful day that Your gentle hand makes since You live forever.

You see Lord I engaged in a conversation with fellow Jesus lover Justin D.(UNL) about politics and embarrassed Your attractive name.

But Lord I’m not embarrassed about my statement.

No Lord.

I’m embarrassed for Justin D(UNL).

PLEASE LORD forgive him for he does not know what he is saying. He is just repeating what he has been told since birth. He does not mean to waste his brain, that You’ve so generously gave him, on things that would embarrass Satan’s grandmother.

Yes Lord, Satan’s grandmother.

She, Lord, would be embarrassed if Satan wasted his brain on South Carolina football.  She, Lord, wouldn’t show her face at church if she knew that Satan wasted his brain on that beautiful Tina Fey.  She, Lord, would never again go get her hair done if she knew that Satan wasted his brain googling those erotic topics.

Yet Justin D. does this Lord. I do not know why and I will not ask how.

Lord all I ask of you is please forgive him and show him the way.

Show him how easy it is to accept Your Loving embrace.  Show him how to love Your deep blue eyes while You penetrate his soul.  Show him how easy it is to listen to Your lush voice as You whisper “Justin D…..I forgive you.”

Show him Lord all that and more.

In Your name I pray,

AMEN.

This doesn’t prove that she lied about Troopergate. I’m sure sexy Sarah Palin doesn’t even know what Troopergate is.  She’s just trying to server her country while standing up to the ‘Ol Boys Club’.

Look we’ve all done this sort of thing before.  Don’t believe me?  Remember that time you told your buddies you didn’t bang that fat chick who smelt like chicken nuggets?

And what did you do?

That’s right…you humped that chick like it was going to be your last day on Earth.

Some wise, long haired man once said, “Those that haven’t sinned get to throw the first stone.”

Or was it something about glass rocks in a windowless rock house?

Look either way…don’t act like you haven’t done something like this before.

It looks bad on your part.

Man does it feel good helping my country. I didn’t get the chance to storm the Beaches of Normandy or help during 9-11 but today I finally get to do my part.

How?

By helping out those poor people on Wall Street. Today CNN is reporting that a deal is almost done (I think this time they mean it) which will help out out the poor CEOs:

Congressional negotiators “made great progress” toward reaching a deal on the White House’s proposed $700 billion bailout of the financial system, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said.

Under the tentative deal being finalized, the rescue program would be overseen by a board including the treasury secretary, secretary of commerce, head of the Securities and Exchange Commission and chairman of the Federal Reserve, said Sen. Kent Conrad, R-North Dakota, who heads the Senate Budget Committee.

According to Conrad, $700 billion would be disbursed in stages, with $250 billion made available immediately. In addition, the Treasury would establish an insurance program — with premiums paid by the industry — to mitigate taxpayer losses. The bill would also probably include some curbs on the compensation of executives at companies that participate.

The Bush administration is seeking authority for the Treasury to buy as much as $700 billion in troubled mortgage assets that are weighing down banks and other financial institutions in hopes of freeing up the banks to start lending again.

If enacted, it would be the most dramatic and extensive government intervention in the economy since the Great Depression. The aim is to unfreeze the credit markets — short-term lending among banks and corporations — by giving the Treasury authority to purchase bad assets from banks and other financial

I’m so excited…I’m finally helping people. I’m sure Jesus is so proud of me right now…