Dear Sweet Sexy Lord Jesus,

Thank you for breathing air into my sinful nostrils this morning and giving me this beautiful sunny day. Lord I do not deserve this beautiful day or any beautiful day that Your gentle hand makes since You live forever.

You see Lord I engaged in a conversation with fellow Jesus lover Justin D.(UNL) about politics and embarrassed Your attractive name.

But Lord I’m not embarrassed about my statement.

No Lord.

I’m embarrassed for Justin D(UNL).

PLEASE LORD forgive him for he does not know what he is saying. He is just repeating what he has been told since birth. He does not mean to waste his brain, that You’ve so generously gave him, on things that would embarrass Satan’s grandmother.

Yes Lord, Satan’s grandmother.

She, Lord, would be embarrassed if Satan wasted his brain on South Carolina football.  She, Lord, wouldn’t show her face at church if she knew that Satan wasted his brain on that beautiful Tina Fey.  She, Lord, would never again go get her hair done if she knew that Satan wasted his brain googling those erotic topics.

Yet Justin D. does this Lord. I do not know why and I will not ask how.

Lord all I ask of you is please forgive him and show him the way.

Show him how easy it is to accept Your Loving embrace.  Show him how to love Your deep blue eyes while You penetrate his soul.  Show him how easy it is to listen to Your lush voice as You whisper “Justin D…..I forgive you.”

Show him Lord all that and more.

In Your name I pray,

AMEN.

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Tags: Facebook, I'm going to hell, Jesus
Comments (3)

This doesn’t prove that she lied about Troopergate. I’m sure sexy Sarah Palin doesn’t even know what Troopergate is.  She’s just trying to server her country while standing up to the ‘Ol Boys Club’.

Look we’ve all done this sort of thing before.  Don’t believe me?  Remember that time you told your buddies you didn’t bang that fat chick who smelt like chicken nuggets?

And what did you do?

That’s right…you humped that chick like it was going to be your last day on Earth.

Some wise, long haired man once said, “Those that haven’t sinned get to throw the first stone.”

Or was it something about glass rocks in a windowless rock house?

Look either way…don’t act like you haven’t done something like this before.

It looks bad on your part.

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Tags: Jesus, Sarah Palin, Troopergate
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Man does it feel good helping my country. I didn’t get the chance to storm the Beaches of Normandy or help during 9-11 but today I finally get to do my part.

How?

By helping out those poor people on Wall Street. Today CNN is reporting that a deal is almost done (I think this time they mean it) which will help out out the poor CEOs:

Congressional negotiators “made great progress” toward reaching a deal on the White House’s proposed $700 billion bailout of the financial system, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said.

Under the tentative deal being finalized, the rescue program would be overseen by a board including the treasury secretary, secretary of commerce, head of the Securities and Exchange Commission and chairman of the Federal Reserve, said Sen. Kent Conrad, R-North Dakota, who heads the Senate Budget Committee.

According to Conrad, $700 billion would be disbursed in stages, with $250 billion made available immediately. In addition, the Treasury would establish an insurance program — with premiums paid by the industry — to mitigate taxpayer losses. The bill would also probably include some curbs on the compensation of executives at companies that participate.

The Bush administration is seeking authority for the Treasury to buy as much as $700 billion in troubled mortgage assets that are weighing down banks and other financial institutions in hopes of freeing up the banks to start lending again.

If enacted, it would be the most dramatic and extensive government intervention in the economy since the Great Depression. The aim is to unfreeze the credit markets — short-term lending among banks and corporations — by giving the Treasury authority to purchase bad assets from banks and other financial

I’m so excited…I’m finally helping people. I’m sure Jesus is so proud of me right now…

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Tags: Bail Out, Democrats, God we are screwed, Jesus, Repbulicans, Wall Street
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How the hell did the American flag not get blown away? Everything else in that picture is destroyed but the flag.   What kind of material is used to make that thing?  I bet that woman is crying because she chose not to use the same material she used for the flag on her house.  I know that’s what I would be crying about.

Anyways..what the heck was this article about?

Wearing jeans and rubber boots, clutching Bibles and weeping between hymns, residents of the storm-shattered Texas coast comforted one another Sunday at makeshift church services that provided more than a respite from Hurricane Ike cleanup.

About 50 people came together on a basketball court outside the Oak Island Baptist Church on the tip of Trinity Bay. They sat on folding chairs or simply stood, forced outdoors by the 1-inch layer of mud left inside the one-story red brick building by flood waters that tossed pews like matchsticks.

Behind the church, a demolished mobile home was still lodged among trees, many of them snapped by the storm’s 110-mph winds that somehow left the church’s trio of 20-foot white crosses still standing. Across the street, piles of debris had sprouted, signs of the labor undertaken since the storm blew through last weekend and of the work yet to come.

“I know it’s hard. Looking around, it’s tough,” the Rev. Eddie Shauberger told the congregants. “But there is a God, and he has a plan for our lives.”

Are we supposed to guess what God’s plan is? Is that what you want from us  CNN? Do you want us average citizens to get to the bottom of the story while you sit back and make all the money? Do you?

Well alright, this is what I think…either God is trying to inform His followers that He hates mobile homes or He just sneezed and is really embarrassed so He decided to cover his tracks by leaving the crosses up in hopes to make it look religious.

I’m leaning toward He hates mobile homes because if I know the Lord as well as I think…He can’t stand those things.

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Tags: CNN, God, Jesus, Main Stream Media
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I had more respect for You , Jesus. Come on Man…spying on women while they work out?  As a water stain?

What’s happened to you?  You went from getting Your feet washed by medieval groupies to spying on fat, middle aged, country, white women.  Has it been that long since You last got some or have you developed a taste for women with extra meat on their bones?  I mean because I don’t judge…You taught me that, so you know….

Anyways.  Why did You show up in a crappy gym like that?  You couldn’t show up in some gym out in California?   You know, the ones where Hollywood stars go to get in shape? I mean I know how they just passed a law allowing gay marriage but even You have to enjoy seeing two sexy females cleaning each others’ carpet.  Right?  I mean I know You’ve seen some shit in Your day.

I….I….I’m sorry Lord. I didn’t mean to say that shit. And I didn’t mean to use the word shit. And I really didn’t mean to say it again.  I also didn’t mean to imply that You enjoy watching two consenting adults express their love for one another while in their own home.

Wha….what I’m trying to say is, I  just think You can do better.  You are Lord Jesus.  The Lamb of God.  The Long Hair Messiah.  You can do anything you want.

I’m sure You are just trying to keep us on our toes and we appreciate it.  It let’s us know that you are real and not some fairy tale our ancestors made up in order to keep their kids from misbehaving.

But just in case You were being serious, we’ll keep this our little secret.  Okay?  Good.

Because if Your Father found out about this….let’s just say that You’d be wishing your name was Job before He was done with You.

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Tags: Church, CNN, Gym, Jesus, Peeping Tom, Religion, Religious
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I love Jesus.  I really do.  I believe that He died on the cross for our sins and did some sort of voodoo to live again.  I believe that He is all about loving one another and helping out the poor.  I just don’t believe He really cares about people boycotting movies in His name:

The founder of the movie review company Movieguide has joined the growing ranks of protesters calling for a box office boycott of two films that feature sexually explicit scenes involving young girls.

This is abhorrent and abusive,” said Movieguide founder Ted Baehr, who is also the chairman of the Christian Film & Television Commission. “We are calling on people to avoid these movies, to tell other people not to see it.”

A national campaign against two two movies is growing in strength. Family and women’s groups have been especially active in North Carolina, where the controversial child-rape scene in “Hounddog” was filmed. Baehr said “Hounddog” received nearly $400,000 in tax credits funded by state citizens.

“In this economic condition I don’t think most taxpayers want their taxes misused to provide for pedophilia,” Baehr said.

Baehr has joined the “No More Child Porn” campaign, run by Donna Miller, the Fayetteville, N.C., chapter leader of Concerned Women for America — a coalition of conservative women who promote Biblical values and family traditions. They are a part of about 200 smaller groups around the country who have joined the protest.

Which parent brought up this campaign idea at the last PTA meeting?  Do people seriously think Jesus would care if you boycotted them?  Really?  He’s probably pissed at everyone for promoting the sorry movies. Now they’ll make half their budget back.

I’ve never even heard of these movies before but now I want to watch Towelhead.  Just to see if 18 year old can pull off playing a sexually active 13 year old.

If she can…I smell Oscar.

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Tags: Crazy Jesus Followers, Fox News, Jesus, Religion, Towelhead
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Does it not say somewhere in the Bible to take care of those less fortunate than you?  Well then why are we as a Christian nation getting upset about helping those people out on Wall Street?  Wouldn’t Christ do the same thing? Let us help those people who work for AIG and pray that America will rally around them and support them in their time of need.  It is the Christian thing to do.

I mean who knows…maybe Jesus (or is it God? I always get confused about who to pray to when I want something) will provide a house for my parents. Lord knows they need it.

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Tags: God, Jesus, Parents need a home, Stock Market, Wall Street
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