We’re all fucked.

Health officials around the world worked to contain what appears to be a spreading swine flu outbreak early Monday, while one out of every five residents of Mexico’s most populous city wore masks to protect themselves against the virus.

Mexico seems to be the epicenter of the outbreak, where as many as 103 deaths are thought to have been caused by swine flu, the country’s health minister said. An additional 1,614 reported cases have been reported in the country.

So far, however, only 18 cases have been confirmed by laboratory tests in Mexico and reported to the World Health Organization.

The United States stepped up preparations for a possible epidemic of the virus after 20 cases were confirmed, and Canada announced its first cases of the virus Sunday — six mild cases.

How does this happen?  How does a deadly virus like this spread throughout the world when we’re living in the most medically advanced period in human history?  (I’m sure some people will say the Spanish flu happened during the most medically advanced period in human history, and those people can choke to death on a horse’s cock.)

I have a theory, and it doesn’t involve the Republicans slashing 900 million dollars from the stimulus budget for pandemic preparation.

But before I get to my theory, I need present the facts.

FACT:

On April 16, President Obama went down to Mexico to support the Mexican government in its fight against the drug cartels.  During a break at a press conference, the Mexican President Felipe Calderon leans over and whispers to Obama, “Come on Mr. President, just legalized the goddamn drugs so we can end this stupid fucking war.  For Christ’s sake, you fucking smoked weed.  How bad can it be?”

President Obama laughs and whispers back, “Naw man, I don’t do that anymore.  Besides, this drug war thingy is making a lot of powerful people extremely rich.  If I fuck with them, then they fuck with me and I can’t fucking have that.  But don’t worry about the drug cartels.  I’ve got a plan.”

FACT:

Felipe presses Obama for more information but doesn’t get any.  Felipe calls Obama a “stupid nigger” under his breath.

FACT:

On April 23 the Washington Post informs the public that the military “lost” a horse virus with a Spanish name.   Its symptoms include a mild flu-like illness but can also cause brain inflammation and death.

Now here’s my theory.

While Obama was getting a sloppy Mexican blow job from Felipe Calderon, a team of Navy Seals parachuted into a small Mexican village where the notorious Mexican drug lord Joaquin Guzman was rumored to be banging some 13-year-old girl.   The Seals administered the “lost” virus to the entire village through some sort of new C4-like explosion device and then left.  The virus takes between 3 to 7 days to infected its victim, giving Obama enough time to cum in  Felipe’s mouth and get home before Michelle suspects anything.

Obama then gives out the antidote to Texas, California, Kansas, Ohio, and New York since he knows people in those states will get infected.  After those states administer the antidote to the people who will get sick, Obama then will create a massive panic and will swiftly move to create an One World Government which will enslave humanity forever.

I’m just fucking with you.  There’s no way Barack Obama would use a chemical weapon to take out a drug lord in Mexico so he could create an one world government.  That’s just crazy.

Everybody knows this swine flu pandemic is just a globial cover-up for the impending zombie apocalypse.

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Tags: Barack Obama, Felipe Calderón, Mexico, Swine Flu, War on Drugs, We're all going to die
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Robert Gibbs’ fat ass couldn’t give a straight answer.  What’s so fucking hard with saying, “President Obama doesn’t believe that the legalization of marijuana is a good idea for the economy.  He believes alcohol and tobacco are healthier alternatives, and marijuana would do more harm than good.  Sure Jeffrey A. Miron has  said that the legalization of marijuana would save the federal government 44 billion dollars per year while states would make 33 billion dollars a year in taxes, but what the hell does he know?  He’s just a senior lecturer in economics at Harvard University – the fuckin’ nerd.

Look – as you all know, the President smoked marijuana in college, as did the two previous Presidents, but that doesn’t make it right.  Marijuana is an awful, dangerous, evil drug and shouldn’t be used – period.   That’s why the President is against legalization.  He knows that we need to keep it out of the hands of our children.  Okay, I know some of you are going to ask me about the studies that say it’s easier for teens to purchase marijuana than alcohol, but what do they know – they’re just studies.  It’s not like they’re opinion polls – so they don’t really matter.

Again, this is why the President is against legalizing marijuana, and that’s why he’s going to give 700 million dollars to Mexico.  Now some people will say that the American people could use that money, but can you really put a price tag on safety?  No – no you can’t.  That’s why President Obama is thinking about sending soldiers to the border.

Now I know the ACLU and other civil liberty groups aren’t going to like US soldiers on the ground, and I’m sure they’re going to say it’s unconstitutional but – *chuckle* – remember, the Patriot Act is still in affect, and Attorney General Eric Holder recently called the drug cartels a ‘national security threat’ – and if the Attorney General says we’re under attack and some amendments of the Constitution need to be repealed in the name of National Security, who are we to argue?

Alright – now that I answered this fat guy’s annoying question, who’s next?”

See, that wasn’t so hard – was it?

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Tags: Barack Obama, Eric Holder, Legalize it already, Marijuana, Mexico, Robert Gibbs
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I’m pretty sure you’re wrong on this one Hillary.

The United States shares the blame for Mexican drug trafficking and the attendant violence that has killed thousands in the past year alone, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said Wednesday.

“Our insatiable demand for illegal drugs fuels the drug trade,” she said en route to Mexico City, according to pool reports.

I find it a little hypocritical that your stupid ass says something like this when you clearly used drugs when you were younger.  I mean Jesus Christ, look at that fucking picture of Bill and you.  Look at that goofy grin on your face.  And those glasses – you’re stoned out of your goddamn mind.

I guess since you’re the Secretary of State you have to say stupid shit like this.  But fuck you for trying to place the blame on us.

All the government has to do is legalize all drugs and this retarded problem goes away.  But no, the government can’t do that because it would mean they lost this stupid fucking war.  And if there’s one thing our government hates more than helping its citizens, it’s admitting defeat.  So if you’re looking for someone to blame about this goddamn problem, blame the fucking government.

Because of the government, we have the highest prison population in the world.  Because of the government, hardworking Americans are turned into criminals for smoking a goddamn plant.  Because of the government, Americans are forced to buy the buds of a beautiful plant from some creepy drug dealer instead of going to a local dispensary.  Because of the government, drug cartels are becoming more powerful.  Because of the government, we’re spending hundreds of billions of dollars we don’t have to fight a war we’re never going to win.

So fuck you, you creepy old bitch.  I’m about to go supply my local drug cartel by buying an ounce of the stickiest of the ickiest.  And I’m going to take a huge bong hit in your honor – you stupid whore.

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Tags: Bill Clintion, CNN, Hillary Clinton, Legalize the shit already, Marijuana, Mexico, War on Drugs
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…all because of some drugs.

As violence continues to grow in Juarez’s drug cartel war, government officials struggle to maintain peace in the region and in it’s borders.

Juárez police chief Roberto Orduña Cruz resigned Friday after the drug cartel killed six city police officers this week and threatened to kill more unless he left the force.

Well folks, I hate to tell you this but terrorism works.  You can’t stop people willing to kill others without remorse until they get their way.  You can’t compete with that.  You’re fucked unless you can find a way to stop their money supply.

But how can you do that?  How can you stop the money drug cartels use to buy guns, bullets, rocket launchers, grenades, policemen, judges, lawyers, and politicians?

Drug legalization.

That’s right you fucking pussies.  Legalize marijuana, cocaine, heroin, LSD, ecstasy, and mushrooms.  Every fucking drug the drug cartel sells should be legal.  If grown men and women want to fuck up their health, let ‘em.  How can we tell someone how bad snorting cocaine off the back of a stripper’s ass is for their health, when we allow people to smoke cigarettes and drink alcohol?

And why should we do this?

Because it takes money out of the drug cartels’ hands.  Why would someone pay a creepy old guy hiding in the back of an ally 90 dollars for a quarter of cannabis when they could go to a well-lit grocery store and buy it for 55? Plus, the government could make money by taxing it.  They could turn the nations largest cash crop into a multi-billion dollar industry that would help get us out of this recession/depression.

But it won’t happen.  Why?  Because the War on Drugs benefits rich white businessmen. State and federal prosecutors, trail lawyers, judges, private prisons, politicians, the DEA, the FBI, the CIA, state and local police.  To many people make money off of this war for legalization to help.

They will use the money they’ve stolen to lobby Congress and the White House for tougher drug laws while placing their people on all the major news stations and have them say, “If drugs are made legal, it will be the end of America.  People will be so high on PCP and crack cocaine that they’ll storm into your house and ass fuck your wife and daughter.  If you don’t have a wife and daughter, they’ll ass fuck you and your son.  They’ll ass fuck everybody in your goddamn house.  Not even your fucking pets’ buttholes are safe from the ass fucking that’s going to take place in this country if drugs are made legal.”

So I want this shit to continue.

I want the shootouts to spill over into Texas and catch those fucking Minutemen in the cross fire and kill ‘em.  I want the violence to spread into New Mexico, Arizona, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Oklahoma, and Alabama.  I want people to cry out to the federal government for help but can’t get any because  our soldiers are to busy fighting overseas in a stupid fucking war.

I want all of this shit to happen and I hope I get to watch it on CNN, MSNBC, and Fox News while smoking out Juan…my new dealer…

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Tags: Christians, Drug Cartels, Fucking legalize it, Marijuana, Mexico, Politicians, War on Drugs
Comments (14)

Where the fuck is all this money coming from?

A $197m (£133m) aid package to help Mexico fight drugs cartels has been released by the US government.

It is part of the Merida Initiative, a $400m (£270m) scheme to assist Mexico’s efforts to take on the drugs trade.

US Ambassador Tony Garza formally unveiled the program, which includes the donation of helicopters and surveillance aircraft, in Mexico City.

Could someone explain to me why my fucking money is being spent on shit I don’t agree on?

Bailing out Wall Street, bailing out the auto industry and now funding Mexico’s ‘War on Drugs’. Why do I have to sign a stack of papers in order to shit in a cup for a job interview that I won’t get but the US government can snap its fingers and hand out 197 million dollars?

Do they think shit like this is supposed to scare me?

Mexican newspaper El Universal says at least 5,000 people have been killed in drugs-related violence this year.

The newspaper, which has been keeping tallies for the past four years, said that the number of people killed by organized crime was on course to be double the 2,700 deaths registered in 2007.

Deaths had been happening at an average of one an hour during the past 42 days, El Universal said.

Big fucking deal. Every minute two pussies kill themselves somewhere in the world but I don’t see our government dropping a billion dollars to prevent it. Yea you read me right, a BILLION FUCKING DOLLARS.

President Felipe Calderon, has long sought, and been promised, financial aid from Washington to try to defeat the traffickers.

The initiative is part of a $1.6bn (£1.1bn) US plan to help train and equip security forces and strengthen justice systems in Mexico, Central America and the Caribbean.

How fucking stupid are we? We give away 1.6 billion dollars to another country so they can fight a fictitious war that could easily be won by LEGALIZING drugs.

For all you pussies out there who think that I’m a stupid, lazy liberal, blow me.

Over half a million people in the United States die every year from tobacco and alcohol. I don’t see any of you screaming at the top of your lungs for our government to ban these substances, even though we tried to on alcohol in the 1920′s…how did that turn out again?

Fucking legalize drugs and TAX THE SHIT OUT OF THEM. Who cares if people overdose on drugs? As long as we make money off of them then fuck ‘em, let them choke on their own vomit.

Not only does this solution make us money but it also takes the power away from drug dealers. Why would Americans deal with evil drug dealers when they could go down to their friendly gas station for their drug of choice?

But this will never happen, it’s too simple a solution. Americans would rather spend billions of dollars on this stupid cause so they feel better about themselves.

Although three-fourths of these same Americans will die from lung cancer because of their constant chain smoking or will kill someone while driving home from the bar after one to many drinks with their friends…stupid fucking hypocrites…

…I hope every one of them die of a deadly case of herpes…

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Tags: Central America, Cocaine, Congress, Drunk driving, Federal government of the United States, Felipe Calderón, Illegal drug trade, Marijuana, Mexico, Mexico City, United States, US government, War on Drugs
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