The new Republican-controlled House plans to schedule a vote to repeal the sweeping health care overhaul before President Barack Obama delivers his annual State of the Union address late this month, incoming House Energy and Commerce Chairman Fred Upton (R-Mich.) said Sunday.

“We have 242 Republicans,” he said on “Fox News Sunday.” He added, “There will be a significant number of Democrats, I think, that will join us. You will remember when that vote passed in the House last March, it only passed by seven votes.”

Upton, whose committee will play a key role in the GOP’s effort to roll back the law, said that he believes the House may be near the two-thirds majority required to override a presidential veto.

Why yes, yes I do hope the Republicans pull this off. But not because I consider “Obamacare” a socialist, communist, evil black man program designed to force the white man into extreme poverty while raping all of the white man’s wives and daughters. No, I hope the Republicans pull this off because I don’t want to fucking subsidize private insurance companies.

Now, someone help me out. Is the story of Republicans, champions of subsidizing corporations at the expense of the taxpayers, fighting to repeal a law that will force millions of Americans to buy shitty, expensive private insurance from mega corporations irony or is it a coincidence?

I always get those two definitions confused.

I made it. I survived a semester teaching those retarded, ugly, smelly fuckers. Now I have two sweet weeks of uninterrupted masturbation ahead of me. Goddamn. You know maybe this teaching thing isn’t so bad. I mean, sure, you get paid less than a mid-level call girl, get blamed for poor test grades, get yelled at for giving the kids too much homework, and work more than 50 hours a week. But having a two week break kinda sorta makes up for it.

Anyways, let’s get off of the subject of me and onto the subject of political news. Let’s see what I’ve missed. It shouldn’t be that much. I mean, I was only gone for a couple of days.

Let’s check in on the Fed and see what they’ve been up too.

With the lifting of the “veil of secrecy at the Fed,” in response to a legislative push led by US Senator Bernie Sanders, I-Vermont, reveals that the Federal Reserve gave banks, multinational corporations and foreign financial institutions—many of them with limited ties to the United States—an estimated $3.3 trillion in emergency loans and other forms of assistance during the course of the current financial crisis.

“We now know that the Fed loaned trillions of dollars at zero or near-zero interest rates not only to the largest financial institutions in this country, but also to many of our largest corporations—including GE, McDonalds and Verizon. Most surprising, the Fed also lent huge sums of money to foreign private banks and corporations” says Sanders, who since the 1990s has, with Texas Congressman Ron Paul, Florida Congressman Alan Grayson and a handful of others, been an ardent critic of the Fed’s secrecy, unaccountable financial manipulations and coziness with Wall Street.

[...]

So astounding, in fact, that even the Wall Street Journal is praising Sanders. “The release of this data on some 21,000 Fed transactions over the last three years is one of the rare useful provisions in (the financial reform bill),” writes the Journal, adding, “kudos to our favorite Socialist for demanding it.”

• Citigroup collected over $1.8 trillion.

• Morgan Stanley grabbed $2 trillion.

• Goldman Sachs took $600 billion.

• Bear Stearns received almost $1 trillion in short-term loans with interest rates as low as 0.5 percent.

What. The. Fuck. Citigroup got a 1.8 trillion dollar emergency loan? For what? Having Jamie Dimon act like a passive-agressive housewife? Come on!

It’s okay, Phuck. It’s okay. Let’s look at the bright side. Sure those swine get trillions of dollars for free while every other American has to worry about putting food on his/her table, but hey, you have two weeks off from work. Go check out another story to get your mind off of this one.

Let’s check in on the 9/11 first responders.

Senate Republicans, who blocked a bill to provide care for 9/11 first responders suffering health consequences as a result of their work amid the burning and smoking buildings at Ground Zero, explained themselves with a variety of reasons.

Sen. John Ensign (R-Nev.) said he voted against the first responders bill because Republicans had threatened to vote against everything until tax cuts for the rich were extended and a measure to fund the government was passed.

[...]

“I signed a letter saying we need to be focusing on what we’re doing right now,” Ensign said, explaining his vote to filibuster the bill.

“Plus that was more spending that was not offset,” said Ensign, arguing that the program shouldn’t be funded without cuts or tax hikes elsewhere.

A GOP aide said the two parties were in negotiations aimed at finding the roughly $7.4 billion that would be needed to fund the program, though time is running out in the 111th Congress.

Why the fuck is a smug shit stain like John Ensign able to derail medical care for the people whom he based his entire campaign on? Plus, this guy is a notorious blackmailing wife fucker. And as for finding 7.4 billion dollars to fund the program, maybe you can ask Jamie Dimon for eight tenths of a percent of the 1.1 trillion dollar bailout he got from the Fed.

Again, Phuck, calm down. Remember the 100 dollars you have in your bank account. You’re living the high life my friend. You can walk into any Wendy’s and order anything you want off the dollar menu. Can that homeless man begging at the Shell station near your school do that? Nope.

Let’s check on one more story. A feel good story. Something that will make my balls feel all warm and tingly, but in a good way. I know, let’s check in on those happy-go-lucky gays.

The Senate has voted to end the military’s ban on openly gay troops, putting the final Congressional approval on an end to the disastrous Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Policy. Since Congress passed the compromise bill 17 years ago, DADT has cost the nation an estimated $1.3 billion dollars and ended the careers of 13,000 service members who wanted to help their nation.

FUCK!!!! Look, don’t get me wrong gay people. I support ya’ll on marriage, adaption, and making me feel uncomfortable when I’m jerking off to tranny porn. But I don’t support this. Why? Because this was going to be my “get-out-of-the-draft-free” card. (And the way things are going in Afghanistan and Iraq, you better believe there’s going to be a draft.)

I had it all planned out. I would stand there in line getting my nuts check and having my blood pressure taken and look the doctor in the eyes and say, “I can’t serve in the Army, sir, because I love putting dicks in my mouth.”

But no, now I can’t do that now. Thanks.

Christ, fuck all this shit. I’m going to go spend my 100 dollars on some liquor and drink myself to death.

Thanks a lot Obama.

Why do you hate poor people?

The poor get no respect:

Led by Democrats, the House approved a measure Thursday that would permanently extend the so-called Bush tax cuts for the middle class while allowing breaks for the wealthiest Americans to expire. The final vote, 234 to 188, was largely along party lines — though 20 Democrats broke with their party to oppose the measure, while three Republicans voted yes.
Still, the vote was largely symbolic and more of a political maneuver meant to appease Democrats who oppose extending tax cuts for the wealthy. The bill has no chance of passing the Senate, where Republicans and some Democrats have signaled they won’t support a bill that doesn’t include a tax break for all Americans. (You can read Yahoo! Politics editor Jane Sasseen’s analysis of the tax-cut vote here.)

While President Obama says he remains opposed to extending tax breaks for the wealthy, the White House has signaled it might be willing to compromise.

On Wednesday, the administration, led by Obama budget director Jack Lew and Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner, began negotiations with members of Congress on a tax deal. One proposal on the table: a temporary extension of all the Bush tax cuts, including those for the wealthy, for three years.

Of course Obama and the Democrats are going to compromise with Republicans. They want tax breaks just like all the other rich cunts do. They just can’t come out and say they want the tax break. So they let the Republicans do the dirty work while the they piss and moan about not being able to do anything.

You see, Democrats are like that good, sexy Christian girl in high school who really wants to get boned by the star quarterback but can’t do it because of her image. So she accepts an invitation from him to go to a party up at his friend’s lake house under the guise of “trying to save his soul”. But once she gets to the house she knowingly drinks the special punch he hands her and before long she’s got her $79 dollar American Eagle jeans and $37 Victoria Secret thong around her ankles and is doing her best Nick Mangold impression.

So if you honestly believe that Democrats care about the poor than you are dumber than my cousin Mike trying to explain Inception to his retarded 19-year-old niece.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cKIPvfvxKo

Really?

“The only people that don’t want to disclose the truth are people with something to hide.”

I guess this is his justification for prosecuting more whistleblowers than Bush.

Ha Ha.

Thanks for giving me a huge boner:

The top U.S. commander in Afghanistan has been summoned to Washington to explain derogatory comments about President Barack Obama and his colleagues, administration officials said Tuesday.

Gen. Stanley McChrystal, who publicly apologized Tuesday for using “poor judgment” in an interview in Rolling Stone magazine, has been ordered to attend the monthly White House meeting on Afghanistan and Pakistan in person Wednesday rather than over a secure video teleconference, according to officials who spoke on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to speak publicly. He’ll be expected to explain his comments to Obama and top Pentagon officials, these officials said.

I hope Obama bends this shit stain over his desk and ass fucks him so hard that McChrystal’s left eyeball pops out. And I hope Obama screams , “This is for you Paaaaaaaaattttttaaarrrrgggghhhhhh!!!!!” when he cums.

Side note: I can’t believe a fucking music magazine produced a political story so amazing that it caused the president to publicly cock smack the leading commander of the Afghan war. The New York Times, The Washington Post, and The Wall Street Journal better be taking some motherfucking notes.

Update: Looks like the fucker might be retiring. But let’s not kid ourselves folks. This. Changes. Nothing.

Really?

President Obama’s speech on the gulf oil disaster may have gone over the heads of many in his audience, according to an analysis of the 18-minute talk released Wednesday.

Tuesday night’s speech from the Oval Office of the White House was written to a 9.8 grade level, said Paul J.J. Payack, president of Global Language Monitor. The Austin, Texas-based company analyzes and catalogues trends in word usage and word choice and their impact on culture.

Though the president used slightly less than four sentences per paragraph, his 19.8 words per sentence “added some difficulty for his target audience,” Payack said.

[...]

Obama’s nearly 10th-grade-level rating was the highest of any of his major speeches and well above the Grade 7.4 of his 2008 “Yes, we can” victory speech, which many consider his best effort, Payack said.

“The scores indicate that this was not Obama at his best, especially when attempting to make an emotional connection to the American people,” he added.

For fuck’s sake this shit is depressing, but I guess it explains why Glee is so popular.

Your white owners.

Once again Wall Street has played us for fools:

The financial reform legislation making its way through Congress has Wall Street executives privately relieved that the bill does not do more to fundamentally change how the industry does business.

Despite the outcry from lobbyists and warnings from conservative Republicans that the legislation will choke economic growth, bankers and many analysts think that the bill approved by the Senate last week will reduce Wall Street’s profits but leave its size and power largely intact. Industry officials are also hopeful that several of the most punitive provisions can be softened before it is signed into law.

[...]

“If you talk to anyone privately, there’s a sigh of relief,” said one veteran investment banker who insisted on anonymity because of the delicacy of the issue. “It’ll crimp the profit pool initially by 15 or 20 percent and increase oversight and compliance costs, but there’s no breakup of any institution or onerous new taxes.”

[...]

Still, it could have been worse. The Senate rejected rules that would have broken up huge banks considered “too big to fail,” or imposed limits on their size. Caps on how much banks can charge credit card holders to borrow also fell by the wayside. And the long-established wall between trading and commercial banking, which was torn down in 1999, will not be going back up.

Another reason for relief, several bankers said, is that neither the Senate version of the bill nor the one passed by the House in December includes more populist provisions that have gained a foothold in Europe, like a tax on financial transactions or on individual bonuses.

You really didn’t think any meaningful reform was going to happen, did you? I mean, the Obama administration and key Democrats have been pretty clear about not wanting to upset their pimps. So you should just be grateful that these worthless rules will pass.

As the wise Doug Stanhope once said:”At least black people knew when they where slaves.”

I wonder what became of this marijuana smoker?

Has become the President for the status quo [Warning: it's a pdf]:

Keeping drugs illegal reduces their availability and lessens willingness to use them. That is why this Administration firmly opposes the legalization of marijuana or any other illicit drug. Legalizing drugs would increase accessibility and encourage promotion and acceptance of use. Diagnostic, laboratory, clinical, and epidemiological studies clearly indicate that marijuana use is associated with dependence, respiratory and mental illness, poor motor performance, and cognitive impairment, among other negative effects, and legalization would only exacerbate these problems.

[...]

The Southwest Border Counternarcotics Strategy strongly endorsed an intensified focus on the south-bound threat. CBP is working to renovate southbound point-of-exit lanes to allow for increased inspection and is hiring personnel specifically for the south-bound mission. DEA is building, in collaboration with state and local partners and other Federal agencies, a network of automated license plate readers to identify likely currency and weapons smugglers. This effort requires close cooperation with local authorities, both to facilitate installation of the cameras and to ensure the information is acted on appropriately.

[...]
Bulk seizures of currency, regardless of who makes the seizure or where it is made, should be treated, to the extent allowable by law, similarly to how drugs or other contraband are treated.

I wonder what the over/under is on how many people will get thrown in jail for smoking marijuana during Obama’s presidency. Do you think he’ll throw more people in jail than Bill Clinton, because I don’t think so. Clinton’s presidency was the 90′s Chicago Bulls of marijuana arrests. That administration had a superstar in Bill Clinton, a star that rode the superstar’s coattails in Al Gore, an underrated workhorse in Janet Reno, and a scrappy white guy that would do whatever he was asked in Barry McCaffrey.

The Obama administration doesn’t that that kind of roster. The best this administration can hope for is a 2000 – 2004 Lakers run. I mean, they have a young future superstar in Barack Obama, a fading superstar in Hillary Clinton, a quiet team player in Eric Holder, and a trashing talking clutch player in Joe Biden. So I see about 400,000 to 550,000 marijuana arrests during Obama’s presidency.

Goddamn, did I just use a sports analogy to compare Clinton’s administration to Obama’s? I really need to stop getting so hi…drunk in the morning.