I had more respect for You , Jesus. Come on Man…spying on women while they work out?  As a water stain?

What’s happened to you?  You went from getting Your feet washed by medieval groupies to spying on fat, middle aged, country, white women.  Has it been that long since You last got some or have you developed a taste for women with extra meat on their bones?  I mean because I don’t judge…You taught me that, so you know….

Anyways.  Why did You show up in a crappy gym like that?  You couldn’t show up in some gym out in California?   You know, the ones where Hollywood stars go to get in shape? I mean I know how they just passed a law allowing gay marriage but even You have to enjoy seeing two sexy females cleaning each others’ carpet.  Right?  I mean I know You’ve seen some shit in Your day.

I….I….I’m sorry Lord. I didn’t mean to say that shit. And I didn’t mean to use the word shit. And I really didn’t mean to say it again.  I also didn’t mean to imply that You enjoy watching two consenting adults express their love for one another while in their own home.

Wha….what I’m trying to say is, I  just think You can do better.  You are Lord Jesus.  The Lamb of God.  The Long Hair Messiah.  You can do anything you want.

I’m sure You are just trying to keep us on our toes and we appreciate it.  It let’s us know that you are real and not some fairy tale our ancestors made up in order to keep their kids from misbehaving.

But just in case You were being serious, we’ll keep this our little secret.  Okay?  Good.

Because if Your Father found out about this….let’s just say that You’d be wishing your name was Job before He was done with You.

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Tags: Church, CNN, Gym, Jesus, Peeping Tom, Religion, Religious
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Yesterday I broke a story about Barack Obama selling waffles with his face on the box for his campaign. Well I just learned that Obama didn’t do it.  Two patriotic Americans, Mark Whitlock and Bob DeMoss, made these delicious waffles. Somehow the extremely liberal New York Times scored the first interview. Don’t ask how they did it but I’m sure it involved some Chinese male hooker driving a taxi full of Columbian cocaine. Just a theory. Hey..every man (excluding Jesus of course) has a price.  Anyways the article reveals where Mark Whitlock and Bob DeMoss got their inspiration for this amazing product:

Asked if he considered the pictures of Obama on the box to be racial stereotypes, Whitlock said: ”We had some people mention that to us, but you think of Newman’s Own or Emeril’s — there are tons and tons of personality-branded food products on the market. So we’ve taken that model and, using political satire, have highlighted his policies, his position changes.”

When people ask me “Ron why do you believe in God?” I respond with a heart warming story about two men who had a dream, a dream of selling slightly racist waffles. They tried thousands of black faces on the side of different boxes.  Each combination was met with failure.   Until one fathiful day at a grocery store, they spotted a can of Newman’s Own. With Paul Newman’s chiseled face making sweet mind love to their frontal lobe, they won over the hearts at the christian convention Value Voters Summit with the best “slightly racist waffles” called  “Obama Waffles.”

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Tags: Democrats, God, Jesus, Paul Newman, Religion, Religious, Republicans
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Obama is trying everything he can to raise money.  First it was the ad comparing himself to Paris Hilton so he could get the white teen girl vote.  Then he decides to talk about how he was a community organizer in order to gain the Jesus sympathy vote.  And now he has put his face on a box of waffles for the I’m sick of pancakes vote.  Do you have any shame sir?  When will you stop forcing yourself down the our throats?

Wait…what’s that?

You say that this waffle thing wasn’t made by Obama?  It was made by Mark Whitlock and Bob DeMoss and sold at the Values Voter Summit?   Oh man…those guys are good.  That is some really funny stuff.   Haha. Did they make Obama look like that because of the Aunt Jemima lady?  God…someone give those guys a metal.  What metal?  The metal for “Funniest Racist Christian Award”.

Go ahead.  I know I should be the winner of that award but I swear to you Lord…I will get that award….I swear.

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Tags: Barack Obama, Conservatives, Democrats, Funny, God, McCain, Religion, Religious, Republicans, Waffles
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There is a post on a blog called God’s Politics that is about how Jesus would of been against torturing people.  Something about Jesus loving too much to inflict pain on a person or something like that:

Based on some responses to my last post, and a new poll by Faith in Public Life and Mercer University, it seems there are many evangelicals who believe that there are in fact times when torture is necessary and proper. I am assuming these people also believe it is at times necessary and proper for Christians to do the torturing?

According to the poll, 57% of white evangelicals in the South believe that torture is often or sometimes justified. Another 16% believe that it can be justified in rare occasions. Only 22% believe that it is never justified. This is surprising because only 48% of the general population believe that torture can be justified. How can this be?

Simple…Jesus was tortured in our place, so we can spread the torturing to others.  Why do you think we celebrate Easter?  Do you honestly believe we do it for that giant of a  rabbit?  Please.  Everyone knows that the largest rabbit on record was two inches shy of being a midget.

No, we celebrate Easter because that is the day Jesus took one for the team and said “Hey, you can torture me.”  And as He was dying from being tortured (part of God’s great plan) He said “Go forth and torture men in my name” or something like that.  I mean I’m sure that’s what He meant to say if He was allowed to catch His breath.  I don’t think He understood how physically demanding torture is.  You have to be in the best shape of your life in order not to crack.

Listen the moral of this story is you are wrong God’s Politics.  Jesus loves torture and it is in the Bible.  You just have to get the right copy.

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Tags: Conservatives, Jesus, Politics, Religion, Religious, Republicans
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