www.youtube.com/watch?v=CtcVMTZkTZQ

Dear John McCain,

Thank you, thank you, thank you. If it wasn’t for you selling out and throwing the religious right a bone then I would have never known who Sarah Palin was and I would have never seen this amazing clip. So again, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Love,

Phuck

www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXKuDYvM6Wk

Because my life would be so empty without them.

Is it sad that this doesn’t surprise me?

Top executives at Blackwater Worldwide authorized secret payments of about $1 million to Iraqi officials that were intended to silence their criticism and buy their support after a September 2007 episode in which Blackwater security guards fatally shot 17 Iraqi civilians in Baghdad, according to former company officials.

Of course it isn’t. Why? Because this is what Blackwater does. They take billions of taxpayers’ dollars in no-bid contracts, kill hundreds of innocent Iraqi civilians, and then bribe those Iraqi civilians they didn’t kill with, you guessed it, taxpayers’ dollars.

But they aren’t alone. KBR, Halliburton, Dyncorp, and Boeing do it too. They all use taxpayers’ dollars to get rich and fuck over Americans.

Yet people don’t care. They don’t care about the billions given to all of these corrupt business. They don’t care about human trafficking, gun trafficking, child prostitution, torture, rape, and murder being committed in their name.

But they do care about ACORN. And they do care about a retarded Alaskan politician that says the government is trying to kill old people.

Which is sad, because I find killing old people a fantastic idea.

Number 1 on the list

Here is a list of people that need to have their throat slashed by a rusty thumbtack:

• People that say “libs” instead of “liberals”.
• People that shouted “terrorism” after the Ft. Hood shooting, but shouted nothing after Dr. Tiller’s shooting.
• People that use the term Islamofascism.
• People that complain about the cost of health care, but not the cost of war.
• Diane Sawyer
• People that think socialism, communism, fascism, and anarchism are the same.
• People that compare politicians to Hitler.
• People that think the Heritage Foundation is a non-partisan organization.
• People that say, “Bless our soldiers because they’re fighting for our freedom.”
• People that still believe Saddam Hussein had WMD.
• Thomas Friedman
• People that watch only Fox News.
• People that aren’t getting the H1N1 vaccine because Glenn Beck convinced them not too.
• People that call-in to Rush Limbaugh’s radio show.
• People that don’t criticize Obama.
• Joe Lieberman
• People that complain about ACORN defrauding the American people of millions, but say nothing about Halliburton defrauding the American people of billions.
• People that think marijuana should remain illegal.
• Everyone involved with the Twilight series.
• Stewart Scott
• People that think Alan Grayson is a thug.
• People that believe Sarah Palin when she says the government is trying to kill old people.
• People that are going to vote for Sarah Palin in 2012.
• People that are going to work on Sarah Palin’s presidential campaign.
• Sarah Palin

www.youtube.com/watch?v=JCdqRbWYWbU

I wish I had a direct line to Sarah Palin like my friend Zirgar, but I’m not that well connected. So I have to rely on William Shatner’s reading of Sarah Palin’s speech in order to understand what the fuck that beautiful crazy bitch said.

But to be honest, I still don’t have a fucking clue what she said. I mean, what the shit does this mean?

And I promised that we would get a natural gas pipeline underway and we did. Since I was a little kid growing up here, I remember the discussions, especially the political discussions just talking about and hoping for and dreaming of commercializing our clean, abundant, needed natural gas.

Who dreams about commercializing natural gas? And what little kid remembers political discussions involving dreaming about commercializing natural gas?

I’ll tell you who can remember stupid shit like that: autistic savants.

Which means Sarah Palin has just told the world that she’s a fucking retarded genius. And if there’s one thing the American people love more than a gun-loving Christian politician…it’s a retarded gun-loving Christian politician.

Goddammit, we are so fucked.

What’s your deal? First you kill Billy Mays, then you fuck over Mark Sanford, and now you force Sarah Palin to resign.

Outgoing Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin on Saturday laid the groundwork to take on a larger, national role after leaving state government, citing a “higher calling” with the aim of uniting the country along conservative lines.

Okay, I can understand you taking Billy Mays because you needed his expertise in getting out wine stains. And I can forgive you for striking down Mark Sanford since he missed your sign on whom he should marry. But why did you have to force Sarah Palin to resign?

Was it because she didn’t support the Bridge to Nowhere, or because she likes to read so much? Did you kick her out of office because you were pissed at her for not shining a light on teen pregnancy,  or because she was too humble and didn’t want to make a concession speech?

Tell me God. Tell me why you took the only thing I loved in this world. Tell me why you forced a fighter, someone who speaks from the heart and who cuts through all the political bullshit, out of office. Tell me why you made her ruin America’s birthday.

Oh, well I guess that’s a pretty good reason.

So umm, you think maybe you could leak that video? Because if you did, I’d be your best friend.

[Ed. note - Yeah, that last link isn't work safe. Click at your own risk.]

What the fuck is going on here?

Unwed teen mom Bristol Palin did a turnabout Wednesday with her views on teen sex, saying abstinence is a realistic option for teenagers.

Palin, who gave birth to a boy four months ago, told ABC’s “Good Morning America” that she wishes she’d waited to have sex. She said abstinence is a realistic way for teens to avoid unwanted pregnancy.

“Regardless of what I did personally, I just think that abstinence is the only way you can effectively, 100 percent foolproof way you can prevent pregnancy,” the 19-year-old daughter of Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin said.

Who the fuck cares what this little cunt has to say about teen pregnancy?  Why should we listen to her?  Because she had a baby?  Fuck that shit.  There is nothing special about making a baby.  Having a baby only means you were too fucking stupid to either take birth control, use a condom or pull out and swallow the load.

Why can’t we have an honest discussion with teenagers about sex in this fucking country?  What’s so difficult about sitting them down and saying, “Look, I know you’re going to fuck because I was fucking when I was your age.  Just do me a favor, use a condom and birth control.  It isn’t that hard.  All you have to do is pop a pill and roll a rubber on your dick.  That’s it.  And you know what?  Not only will it protect you from making a goddamn baby, it will reduce your risk of catching herpes.”

Of course we can’t discuss this issue with teenagers because we’re too busy arguing over stupid shit like this.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=_fcZFznkcBM

Goddammit.  I can’t handle all of these stupid cunts trying to force their retarded beliefs down the public’s throat.  I’ve got to go smoke a joint and jerk off to some old school 80′s porn before I flip out and beat the shit out of Elizabeth Hasselbeck.

Just look at the shit she believes in:

Palin believes that a demonic figure speaking from within her refrigerator called her by the name “Zuul”, which is discovered to be the name of a demigod worshiped in 6000 BC by the Hittites, Mesopotamians, and Sumerians as a minion of Gozer, the shape-shifting god of destruction.

Dammit, my bad.  That’s from Ghostbusters.  Here’s what she believes in:

Palin believes that the spirits have left this life but have not gone into the “Light.” They are stuck in between dimensions, watching their loved ones grow up, but feeling alone. Piper was born in the house. Only 5 years old, he gives off his own life force that is as bright as the Light. It distracts and confuses the spirits, who think Piper is their salvation. Hence, they take him.

Goddammit, I did it again.  Where the hell is that article – fuck yeah.  Here it is:

Sarah Palin is, broadly speaking, in the emerging post-denominational movement, which by 2000 encompassed 385 million Christians and is vastly different from the faith as it has been practiced in recent centuries. We identified Palin as in a majority tendency of post-denominationalism known as the neo-charismatic movement, or the “Third Wave.”

Evangelical missionary reference work World Christian Trends calls the Third Wave “a new and disturbingly different” kind of Christianity whose members “can accurately be called radical Christians with some pentecostal /charismatic parallels” and which has, as one of the distinctive characteristics of Third Wave Christian ministry, a heavy emphasis on healing miracles including raising the dead—an emphasis promoted from the pulpit in sermons at Palin’s most central church, the Wasilla Assembly of God.

Man, 385 million people believe in this crazy shit, and that bitch is one of them?  She believes in healing miracles and raising the dead?  Does she believe in anything more retarded than this unbelievable shit?  Yes…yes she does:

We also found extensive evidence that Palin is in a religious movement founded in 2001 that has coalesced out of Third Wave Christianity; the New Apostolic Reformation (NAR).

The NAR is bent on radically reinventing Christianity, and is fast becoming the vanguard of the global Christian Right. Its leaders have openly declared that their aim of achieving worldwide biblical government and a utopian age in which evil—as an ontological category—has been banished by purging demon spirits and unbelievers from the earth.

What’s the New Apostolic Reformation?  Just your run-of-the-mill group that believes people need to be submissive to Church leaders, who are seen as ordained by God, and given power and authority by God to lead by serving.  No biggie.

Who the fuck am I kidding?  That’s some crazy shit.

How can any grown, educated person believe in this stupid fucking shit?  How is this any different from Islamic fundamentalist?  How can the Right-Wing defend this?  I mean, believing in a fictitious, all-knowing being who was killed and raised from the dead is one thing, but believing in this shit?  Really?

Fuck, I wish John McCain would’ve won the election, because I can see it now:

Sarah Palin would’ve “received a vision” from God telling her to poison John McCain’s prune juice, and ascend to the throne of the United States of America.  She would’ve done it, and then called a press conference to tell the world, “The war in Iraq is what God wants, and who am I to tell Him no?”  Then, after answering every question asked by Greta Van Susteren, she would’ve pressed the big red button, and nuked the everloving shit out of the Middle East – causing every fat, uneducated Republican piece of shit to cum in his and her pants.

Man, I can’t fucking wait till 2012.  It’s going to be awesome.  There’s going to be this crazy bitch, that lying bastard who doesn’t believe in monitoring natural disasters, and that stupid fuck who doesn’t care about education running for the Republican nominee.  And one of those crazy fucks will win.

Goddammit — my dick is getting hard just thinking about it…

You expect me to feel sorry for this guy?

Ernie Casillas lived the good life as he doled out millions of dollars in loans in California. The former banker drove fancy cars and took extravagant vacations.

But with the banking industry in crisis, his job is gone — as is his lavish lifestyle. Desperate for work, he recently swallowed his pride and posted a message on Craigslist: “Unemployed I need a job.”

Get the fuck out of here.  This fucking guy doesn’t deserve my sympathy.  He was a glorified bitch.  Look at his fucking job skills:

“I have over 20 years of experience in sales, telephone sales in a call center, customer service, administrative assistant, cash handling, teller, and many more skills and abilities. Great personality, very friendly, hard worker, very responsible,” it said. “I will be happy to e-mail you my resume. I need a job now. Please call my cell phone.”

A fucking retard can answer phone calls, count money, and suck enough dick to get a sale.  It’s fucking easy.  And how much did this dumb fuck make a year?

Casillas says, he was successful, making about $70,000 a year in the banking industry.

Jesus fucking Christ.  This cunt got paid 70,000 dollars a year  for answering a fucking phone and stroking off a couple of wealthy people? That’s more than teachers in South Carolina make in two years.  What the hell did he do with his money?

I was just living a very good life,” he said. “My daughter would ask me to take her to Las Vegas for her birthday, and we would stay at the most expensive hotels. Every year, this is what she wanted.”

Fuck me backwards.

He took his spoiled cunt of a daughter to Las Vegas every year for her birthday?  He was rewarding her for surviving a whole year by taking her to a city where the murder rate is 1.5 times higher than the national average?  What a fucking moron.   I’m glad this cock sucker is forced to live with his 75 year-old mother.  I’m glad his wife left him.  I’m glad he’s forced to cry himself to sleep each night.  Serves him right for acting like a rich business asshole.

But I don’t want to fucking read about him.

Instead of reading about pussified bank assholes and how bad they’re doing in this economy, I want to read about important shit.

Like how Sarah Palin is rejecting funds that would help teachers and special education, even though the stupid cunt has a retarded child.  Or how Mark Sanford is rejecting stimulus money for education and forcing South Carolina to cut 7,500 teaching jobs.  Or  how stupid Timothy Geithner’s plan is, and how fucked we are as a nation.  Or how AIG’s counterparties are getting paid back in full.  Or how fucking pathetic the American people are for doing nothing about this major ass fucking.

Of course I won’t read about any of these stories on CNN because they’re fucking worthless.  But they aren’t alone.  The entire Main Stream Media is fucking worthless.  Fox News, MSNBC, CNBC, The New York Post, The Washington Post, LA Times, Chicago Tribune, Newsweek, Time, and the Wall Street Journal are as useful as a homeless man’s cum stained boxers.

And do the American people care?  Hell no.  There too busy talking about the new iPhone’s copy and paste feature.

So I’m fucking glad this shit is happening.  I’m glad that AIG gets to hide behind their fucking “We have a contact” excuse when handing out millions of dollars to their executives.   I’m glad that Citigroup and Bank of American are going to need more taxpayer money.   I’m glad that Republicans and Democrats are having a dick waving contest over who is tougher on corruption.   I’m glad that we are sending more troops overseas to fight an unwinnable war.  I’m glad all this shit is happening because you fucking people are to goddamn lazy to get off your fat asses and do something.

And those stupid, gay ass tea parties don’t count.  I hope everybody who goes to those fucking things die from a toxic nerve gas attack – you stupid pussies.

Sarah Palin is nothing more than stupid, whiny, worthless fucking cunt.

In a recent interview with conservative John Ziegler, Palin said both “exploited” her twelve-week candidacy — a fact, she said, that “says a great deal about our society.”

“I did see that Tina Fey was named entertainer of the year and Katie Couric’s ratings have risen,” Palin said in the interview. “I know that a lot of people are capitalizing on, oh I don’t know, perhaps some exploiting that was done via me, my family, my administration — that’s a little bit perplexing, but it also says a great deal about our society.”

You know what else says a great deal about our society?  When those who are elected into office abuse their power for personal gain.  Like when she got that stupid kid who couldn’t pull out of her daughter a job that he wasn’t qualified for.  Or when she told the police to hold off arresting his mother on federal drug charges until after the election so it wouldn’t look as bad.  Or when she used taxpayer money to pay for her fucking kids traveling expenses.

Will somebody please shove a dick in this woman’s mouth?  Please?  I’m getting sick of listening to her whine all the goddamn time.  If she wants to get mad at anyone it should be at her own fucking self.  All Tina Fey did was dress up like her and quote her word for fucking word.  And the only thing Katie Couric did was ask her some easy fucking questions.  I mean was it really that hard for her to say what newspapers she reads? Really?

So how is it their fault that she’s so fucking stupid that she gives every woman who wants to run for office a bad name?  She’s so fucking stupid that I couldn’t even watch that porn made about her because I knew that the porn star who was portraying her was better qualified for Vice-President than she was.

Jesus Christ I can’t wait till I turn on Fox News and hear Sean Hannity telling the world that Sarah Palin was killed in a meth lab explosion while getting gang banged by seven old Republican oil men.  It will be the only time my dick gets hard while watching Sean Hannity speak.