Do you like making me drink so early in the morning?

An unemployed military veteran who raised no funds and put up no campaign website shocked South Carolina’s Democratic Party leadership by capturing the nomination Tuesday to face Republican U.S. Sen. Jim DeMint in November.

With nearly all precincts reporting, Alvin Greene, 32, commanded 59 percent of the vote against 41 percent for former four-term state lawmaker Vic Rawl, 64, who had raised about $186,000 and had to abruptly scrap a late-week fundraiser for the fall.

State Democratic Party Chairwoman Carol Fowler said voters unfamiliar with either candidate may have voted alphabetically for Greene over Rawl.

“As far as I know, he never showed up at anything. Vic Rawl has been campaigning everywhere from the time he filed,” she said.

First there was Mark Sanford fucking a smoking hot Argentinian woman on the taxpayers’ dime, then there was the South Carolina man sexing a horse, then there was Joe Wilson screaming at the president, then there was Andre Bauer comparing poor people to stray animals, then there was state Senator Jake Knotts calling Nikki Haley and President Obama a raghead, and now there’s this jackass winning the Democratic Party’s Senate nomination.

That’s it. I can’t take this shit no more. I hope to whatever deity’s in the sky that the BP oil spill wipes us out, because we don’t deserve to live.

Update: Here’s video of this fucking guy. I hate my goddamn state.

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Tags: Alvin Greene, I Hate This Fucking State, Jim DeMint, South Carolina
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Once again South Carolina shows the world how freaky its politicians are.

A deputy assistant attorney general who said he was on his lunch break when an officer found him with a stripper and sex toys in his sport utility vehicle has been fired, his boss said Wednesday.

Roland Corning, 66, a former state legislator, was in a secluded part of a downtown cemetery when an officer spotted him Monday, according to a police report obtained by The Associated Press under the Freedom of Information Act.

Now I know what you’re thinking, and no, this isn’t the best part of the article. This is the best part:

He then searched the SUV, where he found a Viagra pill and several sex toys, items Corning said he always kept with him, “just in case,” according to the report.

That’s what I’m talking about. You’ve always got to be prepared because you never know when some hot stripper wants you to take her to a cemetery and fuck her in the butt with an assortment of dildos. And you never know how long she wants to fuck so you have to have one Viagra pill just in case.

So can we cut Roland Corning some slack? I mean, sure he obviously had to pay this women to fuck him. And sure, he’s prosecuted plenty of people who’ve paid for sex. But this man is 66-years-old and he’s banging a 18-year-old woman while teasing her butthole with a couple of rubber dicks. He deserves our respect.

And I’m giving it to him. Because when I’m 66-year-old man I hope some 18-year-old woman is so hard up for money that she’s willing to swallow her pride by swallowing my dick.

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Tags: Republican, Roland Corning, Sex Toys, South Carolina, Stripper, The Man Is a Pimp
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And they did nothing?

E-mails obtained by The State newspaper in December detailed an affair between Gov. Mark Sanford and Maria, a woman in Buenos Aires, Argentina.

What the fuck The State? Why would you sit on this story? Was it because  you enjoyed watching Mark Sanford on Fox News? Or was it because you enjoyed hearing him talk? Or was it because you enjoyed knowing 7,500 teachers were going to get fired by this jackass?

No? Then why the fuck didn’t you come out with these e-mails sooner?

However, attempts to verify the e-mails — from an anonymous source — were fruitless, until Wednesday. Then, acting on another anonymous tip that Sanford would be on a plane returning from Argentina, the paper sent a reporter to Atlanta.

Oh I get it, you couldn’t act on these e-mails because they were from an anonymous source, but you could act on an anonymous tip.

Get the fuck out of here with that stupid shit.

What’s so hard about having a reporter call Mark Sanford’s chief of staff and say, “Yeah Frank, I’ve got a couple of e-mails in my hand between Mark Sanford and some Argentinian woman named Maria, and I’ve got to be honest, they’re a little sexual. What’s your response?”

But no, you had to sit on this fucking story while Mark Sanford talked shit about the stimulus plan. I mean, you couldn’t have posted one e-mail to shut him up? For fuck’s sake it didn’t even have to be a long one. This one would have worked.

From: Mark Sanford

To: Maria

Date: Fri, 4 Jul 2008 03:09:44 +0000

Dearest,

You are glorious and I hope you really understand that. You do not need a therapist to help you figure your place in the world. You are special and unique and fabulous in a whole host of ways that are worth a much longer conversation. To be continued …

Have been having a few email problems as I am getting email through an aircard at the farm, where access to computer world is more than tough. Please let me know if you have gotten my last two eamils (sic) so I know it is working in getting to your part of the world …

Another glorious day outside. Hope you are doing well, and am anxious to hear about your week. Know that I miss you. Unbeleivably (sic) hard to imagine it has been a week. Please also send your mailing address as I want to send you an insignificant something next week when I am back in civilization that I think you might find interesting given our conversation.

Want to write an indepth note with some thoughts on our visit when I know you are getting these emails. Hugs and much love. M

Or you could have posted a little piece of the longer e-mails, something like this:

I better stop now least this really sound like the Thornbirds — wherein I was always upset with Richard Chamberlain for not dropping his ambitions and running into Maggie’s arms. The bottom line is two fold, my heart wants me to get on a plane tonight and to be in your loving arms — my head is saying how do we put the Genie back in the bottle because I sure don’t want to be encumbering you, or your options or your life.

I mean come on, the guy is talking about the fucking Thorn Birds for Christ’s sake. You should have nailed this guy. You should have shown the world how big a pussy he was. But you did nothing except sit there with his dick in your mouth while he tried to ruin this state.

Goddammit, I can’t wait until the newspaper industry fails.

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Tags: Mark Sanford, Republican, South Carolina, Stimulus Money, The State, This gay is a dick
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Is God trying to tell me He exist?

The whereabouts of Gov. Mark Sanford was unknown for nearly four days, and some state leaders question who was in charge of the executive office.

Neither the governor’s office nor the State Law Enforcement Division, which provides security for governors, had been able to reach Sanford after he left the mansion Thursday in a black SLED Suburban SUV, said Sen. Jake Knotts and three others familiar with the situation but declined to be identified.

I mean, I know I accidentally prayed last week after a night of heavy drinking, because old habits die hard, but I stopped myself before I finished sending my thoughts through space. But it looks like it has come true. Mark Sanford has finally disappeared.

Okay. I can’t get my hopes up, because if he is really missing then that means God is real. Shit I’m torn. Maybe his wife knows where he is.

First lady Jenny Sanford said Monday her husband has been gone for several days over Father’s Day weekend and she did not know where.

Fuck yeah. Since his wife doesn’t know where the fuck he is, and he’s been missing since Sunday, that means he’s fucking disappeard. Goddammit, this is  amazing. Now that we don’t have that stupid jackass in office, we can accept the simulus money and 7,500 teachers won’t have to be fired.

Fuck, this also means God is real. Well since He’s real, and he’s answering my political prayers, I need to make some more.

“Dear heavenly Father, thank you for taking Mark Sanford into your black SLED Suburban SUV of death and freeing South Carolina from his retarded ass. And sweet heavenly Father, thank you for letting the State publish this Pulitzer Prize winning article so that the entire world knows Your mighty power. Now merciful Father, please continue to grant my political prayers. Please all-knowing Father, make those stupid racist South Carolina state Senators who think they’re stand-up Twittermedians disappear. And compassionate Father, please do something about Sarah Palin being on TV all the fucking time. I know she is a fellow worshipper, but come on Father, she’s fucking nuts. And also Father, please let Congress pass a public health care system since 76 percent of Americans want. In Your powerful and sexy name I pray, Amen.”

Alright, let’s see if God answers my political prayers. I hope He does, because I’m feeling good about this. I feel like God is sick of sitting on His fatass watching stupid fucks ruin the earth. I feel like He wants to…I’m sorry, what? They found him? Get the fuck out of here. Really? Well what the fuck was he doing? You’ve got to be shitting me.

The mystery of the missing Governor is now solved. The location of Gov. Mark Sanford had been unknown since Thursday of last week, when The State newspaper reported Sanford left the Governor’s Mansion in a black SLED Suburban SUV. But Monday night, his office released a statement saying Sanford was “hiking the Appalachian Trail”.

Oh fuck me in the ass. This stupid cunt is playing with his dick in the woods while his state implodes? God-fucking-dammit.

Well at least something good came of this. It lets me know that God isn’t real. Because if he was, he wouldn’t let a stupid piece of shit ruin the lives of so many of his followers.

Update – Hiking the Appalachian Trail is for pussies. Real men hike in Argentina.

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Tags: I hate my fucking state, South Carolina, There is no God
Comments (9)

Dear Mark Sanford,

Fuck you.  Fuck you right in your goofy-ass mouth with a big brown illegal immigrant dick.

Do you enjoy fucking with people’s lives?  You must.  Why else would you reject the stimulus money and force 7,500 teachers out of a job?   Because you care about the children?  Bullshit.  If you truly cared about the children you wouldn’t have pushed through huge tax cuts which forced South Carolina into this budget problem in the first place.

Let’s be honest, you’re doing this because you want to join the Big Boys Club.  You want those cock sucking Republicans in Washington to look at you,  grin that big pedophile grin, and pat you on the fucking head .  You want to hear them brag about you on Fox News when they’re trashing the stimulus.  You want to turn to your chief of staff and say, “You see that Scott?  They’re bragging about me – ME!  Not Sarah Palin or Bobby Jindal or Rick Perry, but me.  Goddammit – my dick is so hard right now.  Be a sport and rub it out, alright.  But I gotta warn ya – this one’s going to get messy.”

Here’s a novel idea – quit jerking-off to those fucking bastards and do your goddamn job of helping the people of South Carolina get through this fucking depression.  And don’t give me any shit about how this isn’t a depression.  Once a recession reaches 18 months it becomes a goddamn depression.

But I know you aren’t going to change your mind.  I know you’re going to sit in your air conditioned office and tell the people of South Carolina you have their best interest in mind.  I know you’re going to tell the press how you don’t want your children to be in debt to China.  I know you’re going to tell the Far-Right that you’re a man that stands for conservative principles, and that’s why you are going to run for President in 2012.

But I have to ask, what the fuck are you going to tout as your big success story while you were governor of South Carolina?  Are you going to tell the people how you improved South Carolina’s educational system?  Fuck no.  Are you going to brag to the people about how you lowered South Carolina’s unemployment rate?  Shit no.  Are you going to explain to the people how racially sensitive you are and how you got rid of the stupid fucking rebel flag?  Hell no.

The only fucking thing you can tout is the two fucking pigs you brought into the SC House of Representatives to protest against pork projects.   Whoopi-fucking-do.

So I think I speak for the people of South Carolina when I say, “Hang up your stupid fucking political ambitions and do your goddamn job – you smug piece of shit.”

I hope you and your family die in a horrific one car accident.

Love,

Ron

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Tags: Republican Party, South Carolina, What a fucking assbag
Comments (12)

Goddamnit…I hate my state.

A law being proposed by a state Senator in South Carolina that would make it a felony to use profanity in a public forum, whether written or spoken (so assume the internet is included). Punishment could include fines up to $5000 or prison sentences up to 5 years in length.

This guy is a fucking idiot.  What was his thought process when he introduced this bill?  Why didn’t someone pull him aside and say, “Hey Robert, don’t you think it would be better to try and pass a law that helped out the schools or our health care or try to get more jobs in our state or, I got it, why don’t you pass a law that will let us take down that fucking rebel flag from atop the capital?”

Nobody told him that because everyone is fucking stupid.  They honestly think they can control cuss words?  These fuckers can’t even control the budget.

But it gets worse than that.  There’s a club in Southern California that was started by a 14 year-old boy and it’s now become popular with adults.  It’s called the No Cussing Club.  That’s right.  The No Cussing Club.  They have a website and everything.  The club even has a fucking motto:

I won’t cuss, swear, use bad language, or tell dirty jokes. Clean language is the sign of intelligence and always demands respect. I will use my language to uplift, encourage and motivate. I will Leave People Better Than I Found Them!

Jesus fucking Christ.  What’s wrong with kids today?  I remember the first time I cussed, I shat my pants with excitement.  It freed up my vocabulary.  Instead of telling a kid to “Shut up, you stupid fat butt”, I was screaming “Fuck you, you retarded fat ass”…and it felt good.

But now we have big, fat, pussies for kids and I blame their big, fat, pussy parents.  I mean, what do you except when pussified parents reproduce?  Tough, mature, kids?  Please.  You get kids who make stupid ass clubs when they’re young and pointless fucking laws when they’re old.

Christ these people are stupid people.  If you don’t like cuss words, don’t talk to people who cuss.  Or you could just walk the other way.  Or you could  grow a fucking pair and tell them to shut the fuck up.

Goddamnit.

I hope both of these assholes get into an accident and are turn into slobbering vegetables and the only person who can take care of them is some old, wrinkly, bald fuck who has a serious case of tourettes syndrome and shouts, “GODDAMNIT MY ASSHOLE FEELS LIKE IT’S ON FUCKING FIRE” every three minutes.

Bunch of pathetic cock strokers….

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Tags: Fucking pussies, Government, I hate little kids, McKay Hatch, No Cussing Club, Robert Ford, Senator, South Carolina
Comments (4)

Since this story is on the Drudge Report and the guy who runs that site is fucking crazier than that preacher who screams at college students, you might not believe him.  But you can’t deny how badass this sounds:

A leading Russian political analyst has said the economic turmoil in the United States has confirmed his long-held view that the country is heading for collapse, and will divide into separate parts.

Professor Igor Panarin said in an interview with the respected daily IZVESTIA published on Monday: “The dollar is not secured by anything. The country’s foreign debt has grown like an avalanche, even though in the early 1980s there was no debt. By 1998, when I first made my prediction, it had exceeded $2 trillion. Now it is more than 11 trillion. This is a pyramid that can only collapse.”

He predicted that the U.S. will break up into six parts – the Pacific coast, with its growing Chinese population; the South, with its Hispanics; Texas, where independence movements are on the rise; the Atlantic coast, with its distinct and separate mentality; five of the poorer central states with their large Native American populations; and the northern states, where the influence from Canada is strong.

Goddamnit…I’m sporting wood right now.

I hope this happens.

Think about how much fun it will be to watch Fox News while the country tears itself apart.

Bill O’ Reilly would shit his pants on national television while he tried to explain how the secular left is the prolem;  Sean Hannity’s head would explode from all the gay bashing he would be doing; and Rush Limbaugh would finally choke to death on his fucking cigar while he told white trash Americans how the ‘liberals’ have won.

And this isn’t the best part of the article. Check this out:

He even suggested that “we could claim Alaska – it was only granted on lease, after all.”

Russia is going to take back Alaska.

Goddamnit I want this to hurry up and happen.

I want to see chaos.

People fleeing from their buring homes, parents leaving their children on the side of the road, children beating their parents to death with metal baseball bats, homeless people killing the rich and jerking off on their corpse, chickens eating cows, cows milking people, vegetables punching rabbits, rabbits flipping off owls, squirrels mocking eagles, dogs fucking cats, cats playing poker with rats, rats playing Scrabble with their fleas.

The possibilities are endless.

The anticipation is killing me. I wonder which state will secede first?

I’m hoping my home state of South Carolina will be the first to secede…again. What about you?

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Tags: Barack Obama, Canada, Civil War, CNN, Drudge Report, Fox News, Fox News Channel, MSNBC, Rush Limbaugh, Russia, Sean Hannity, South Carolina, United States
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