www.youtube.com/watch?v=RbwSwvUaRqc

Work is fucking me in the mouth today. So enjoy this video of police coming to the rescue of a 7-year-old boy. Sure the police kicked down his front door in during the middle of the night, killed his dog and filled his house with lead, but his dad had a little bit of pot in the home. So the ends justify the means.

I wonder what became of this marijuana smoker?

Has become the President for the status quo [Warning: it's a pdf]:

Keeping drugs illegal reduces their availability and lessens willingness to use them. That is why this Administration firmly opposes the legalization of marijuana or any other illicit drug. Legalizing drugs would increase accessibility and encourage promotion and acceptance of use. Diagnostic, laboratory, clinical, and epidemiological studies clearly indicate that marijuana use is associated with dependence, respiratory and mental illness, poor motor performance, and cognitive impairment, among other negative effects, and legalization would only exacerbate these problems.

[...]

The Southwest Border Counternarcotics Strategy strongly endorsed an intensified focus on the south-bound threat. CBP is working to renovate southbound point-of-exit lanes to allow for increased inspection and is hiring personnel specifically for the south-bound mission. DEA is building, in collaboration with state and local partners and other Federal agencies, a network of automated license plate readers to identify likely currency and weapons smugglers. This effort requires close cooperation with local authorities, both to facilitate installation of the cameras and to ensure the information is acted on appropriately.

[...]
Bulk seizures of currency, regardless of who makes the seizure or where it is made, should be treated, to the extent allowable by law, similarly to how drugs or other contraband are treated.

I wonder what the over/under is on how many people will get thrown in jail for smoking marijuana during Obama’s presidency. Do you think he’ll throw more people in jail than Bill Clinton, because I don’t think so. Clinton’s presidency was the 90′s Chicago Bulls of marijuana arrests. That administration had a superstar in Bill Clinton, a star that rode the superstar’s coattails in Al Gore, an underrated workhorse in Janet Reno, and a scrappy white guy that would do whatever he was asked in Barry McCaffrey.

The Obama administration doesn’t that that kind of roster. The best this administration can hope for is a 2000 – 2004 Lakers run. I mean, they have a young future superstar in Barack Obama, a fading superstar in Hillary Clinton, a quiet team player in Eric Holder, and a trashing talking clutch player in Joe Biden. So I see about 400,000 to 550,000 marijuana arrests during Obama’s presidency.

Goddamn, did I just use a sports analogy to compare Clinton’s administration to Obama’s? I really need to stop getting so hi…drunk in the morning.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=b6t1EM4Onao

Who’s with me?

This guest post comes from Shane over at In Case You Missed It

As in David Nutt, (former) chairman of the Advisory Committee on the Misuse of Drugs (ACMD) in the UK, has been fired for doing his job. Isn’t it great to know that we haven’t made any progress since Galileo was forced to renounce his work and writings concerning the theories of Nicolaus Copernicus, who had suggested that the sun, not the Earth, was the center of the universe almost 400 years ago? Somehow this case seems even more totalitarian. A scientist, whose job is to give advice on drug law, has lost his job for giving the advice he was hired to give because it doesn’t fit in with the government’s get tough on drugs sales pitch to the deluded public. Yes, it’s not only America where you have to blow the populist trumpet hoping that the semi-literate masses will vote for you come election day, the UK it seems is every bit as bad.

It’s even worse knowing that things weren’t always so bad for the Labour Party and the UK. In fact it was only 2004 when the government actually listened to the advice given to them by their drug experts and downgraded cannabis from a Class B to C (the UK uses a system where A is the most harmful illegal drug and C the least). Since the reclassification didn’t result in an upswing of smokers and in fact saved an estimated 199,000 police hours, this action had its predictable reaction – the tabloid press hard sell along the lines of “drugs are bad, how can you be doing this to our children? Will someone please think of the children!” – this time mostly revolving around a scare story involving new and improved skunk weed which was so potent it caused psychosis. Enter a new British PM losing popularity by the day who is easily influenced by the polling numbers and suddenly you had the leader of a nation saying things like, “I think people know my view about cannabis and particularly about this lethal version of it, skunk.” Before you know it, the UK found itself back where it started, busting 72-year-old milkmen for delivering weed to old ladies as the government re-upgraded cannabis to Class B in January earlier this year. Of course this move came despite a report at the time from the ACMD recommending that cannabis remain a Class C drug.

So, what do you do when you are a scientist whose job it is to help formulate drug policy by providing unbiased scientific evidence only to see your work ignored? You try to draw attention to your cause, attempting to influence public opinion with facts and evidence; much to the dismay of the British government, David Nutt has been quite good at this. He was head of the team who devised a radical new system for classifying drugs – one based on harm to individuals and society instead of old-wives tales. Ultimately, it was this stance that forced Nutt’s resignation as he once again tried to remind people that drugs such as alcohol and tobacco are more harmful than LSD, ecstasy or cannabis. Additionally, he released a paper pointing out that ecstasy, a Class A drug, is in fact more benign activity than equestrianism. This latter report earned him a rebuke from his boss in the government, Jacqui Smith, the Home Secretary at the time.

The influence of the tabloid press in Britain is something I don’t claim to understand very well. I picture it as having a British version of the Fox News effect in the US, an important tool in ensuring that the semi-literate view the world through a haze of confusion. In the correspondence between Nutt and Home Secretary Alan Johnson, the man responsible for demanding Nutt’s resignation, Johnson practically admitted that misinforming the public is part of the plan. Johnson’s letter to Nutt stated, “I cannot have public confusion between scientific advice and policy and have therefore lost confidence in your ability to advise me as chair of the ACMD.” Huh? Really? If ministers care so little for independent scientific advice, maybe they should save public money by sacking the entire group of experts and instead appoint a committee of tabloid editors. After all, rags like the Daily Mail are onside with the firing, publishing an article comparing Agassi smoking crystal meth to the ‘nutty’ Professor Nutt. Why do they love that term drug tsar so much?

The pandering of the current Home Secretary to the tabloid press is another sad example of the disconnect between public policy and facts. Alan Johnson and his government now face a mass revolt from the official drug advisory board. As resignations begin to come in, one has to wonder if this is actually what the government wants. Nasty facts get in the way, especially when your nation is facing an epidemic of addiction to legal prescription drugs – there are over 1.5 million over-the-counter addicts in the UK today. Who knows, maybe it’s a Scientology plot? Far be it for me to suggest that simply legalizing cannabis would be some kind of panacea but it would be nice if government policy, in all areas, were determined by facts instead of fear. Reefer Madness, here we go again.

We don't need your fucking pity.

What else would you call this?

The Obama Administration said today that people who use and sell marijuana for medical purposes should not face federal prosecution. Instead, prosecutors should go after only high level traffickers.

The new Justice Department guidelines issued today to 14 states that allow medical marijuana effectively reverse long-existing stance on the drug. The Bush Administration raided medical distributors who violated federal laws.

Obama’s feeling pressure from his base because he hasn’t fought for the public option, or reformed Wall Street, or closed Gitmo, or stopped bombing the Middle East, or stopped bitching about Fox News. So he does what every politician does when they upset the people that got them elected – he gives them a pity-fuck.

But it wasn’t a full pity-fuck, because there wasn’t any penetration. No, Obama made his base get on their knees, stick out their tongue, and act as his cum sock.

Why do I say that? Because he didn’t change jack shit. He didn’t sign any legislation barring the Justice Department from arresting medical marijuana patients. He didn’t tell Congress to draft legislation barring the Justice Department from arresting medical marijuana patients. And he hasn’t condemned the Justice Department from raiding dispensaries the last time he promised this shit .

So this is just Obama’s go to move when his base is pissed off.

And his base bought it hook, line, and sinker, because they’re praising his name while lapping up his jizz.

Except me. Because I don’t trust this corporate whore, and I only allow people with huge balls to jizz on my face.

The Fonz approves.

I love seeing the little guy sticking it to the man.

Stiff competition from thousands of mom-and-pop marijuana farmers in the United States threatens the bottom line for powerful Mexican drug organizations in a way that decades of arrests and seizures have not, according to law enforcement officials and pot growers in the United States and Mexico.

Of course I would love to see the government use this news to legalize marijuana, but I know I have a better chance of waking up in the morning with a 13-inch cock than marijuana becoming legal. So I’m just going to sit back, smoke some mom-and-pop marijuana, and watch an episode or four of Mad Men.

Update – This also makes me happy.

Is my fucking hero.

You’re also a vocal proponent of medical marijuana. Why?

I have been speaking out about it for a long time. I’m a member of the board of advisors of a medical marijuana group. To me, it’s not nearly as toxic for our bodies as tobacco or alcohol. It should be legalized. As far as we know, it doesn’t cause lung cancer, it doesn’t cause people to go out and drive drunk and commit crimes. If it helps reduce the nausea and vomiting and reduce leg cramps, make patients feel better, what’s wrong with that? We should make it available to people who need it. I feel if people want marijuana, they could get a prescription. Then we can tax it and know who is getting it. I don’t think it is a drug that is doing harm to this country. By arresting people, putting them in jail for crimes related to marijuana, we’re spending millions on drug enforcement and it causes more problems. Young people are convicted of a crime, they can’t get money to go to school, we have over 2 million prisoners a years and many related to drug use—it is a vicious cycle and one we created.

Now, I know your thinking who the fuck is Dr. Joycelyn Elders and why should I give a fuck about her being your hero?

Dr. Joycelyn Elders was the first African-American woman appointed to surgeon general in 1993.  And she has been the only surgeon general who has said that marijuana should be legal because it is safer than alcohol and tobacco. (Plus she’s the only woman who can pull off that hair style with those glasses.)

But what catapulted her from “cool black woman” surgeon general to “I’m going to let this woman have my baby” surgeon general  is how she got fired. She got yanked out of office for telling people that teenagers should masturbate instead of having unprotected sex.

Let me say that again: Dr. Joycelyn Elders, the first African-American woman surgeon general, told teenagers they should masturbate instead of having unprotected sex.

How fucking badass is that?

Note to any government employee who reads this blog: you will automatically become my new hero if you publicly state that you’re an advocate of masturbation.

Because why else would he be doing this?

U.S. Rep. Mark Kirk will call for legislation Monday that would toughen drug trafficking laws regarding a highly-potent form of marijuana, with penalties of up to 25 years in prison for a 1st-time offense.

The law would target offenders who sell or distribute marijuana that has a THC content exceeding 15 percent, which is between 5 and 10 percent higher than average marijuana, according to Kirk’s office. THC, or tetrahydrocannabinol, is the main active ingredient in marijuana.

I like this law. I like the message it sends to drug dealers. It lets them know that we’re sick of losing the War on Drugs, and we will not stand around with our thumbs up our asses while they destroy our magnificent country one dime bag at a…I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

This  is a stupid fucking law. 25 years in jail for first time offenders? For selling a little bit of pot? Really? Shouldn’t this be for pot dealers that kill people or pot dealers that rape people or pot dealers that kill then rape people? I mean, isn’t this legislation a bit excessive?

What the fuck am I talking about? Of course it isn’t. It’s pot dealers that are destroying this country.

Because of pot dealers millions of Americans are out of work, homeless, and uninsured. Because of pot dealers thousands of American soldiers and hundreds of thousands of Iraqi citizens have been killed in a senseless war. Because of pot dealers companies with political connections are getting billions of American taxpayers’ dollars through no-bid contracts. Because of pot dealers the Federal Reserve can’t account for 9 trillion dollars. Because of pot dealers our government had to bailout Wall Street, take over GM, and torture detainees.

So I’m sorry Mr. Kirk. I forgot you are a man on a mission sent from God. Please continue to call for legislation that would make Stalin cream his pants. Because the sooner we get those sorry pot dealers in jail, the sooner our country and way of life will improve.

Update: Thanks Zirgar for pointing out how incredibly stupid Mark Kirk is.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=SY0TQ1uOn3k

Because this asshat doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about. Drug use goes in waves? People have lost their lives to marijuana? What a fucking dickbag.

And thank god Tennessee Congressman Steve Cohen called Robert Mueller out on the gateway theory. I can’t stand that stupid fucking theory because we can apply it to anything. Hugs should be outlawed because rapist started out with hugs. Masturbation should be outlawed because gay people started out masturbating. Pets should be outlawed because serial killers start out by killing them.

Can we please start promoting people within government agencies who aren’t fucking retarded?

We’re all fucked.

Health officials around the world worked to contain what appears to be a spreading swine flu outbreak early Monday, while one out of every five residents of Mexico’s most populous city wore masks to protect themselves against the virus.

Mexico seems to be the epicenter of the outbreak, where as many as 103 deaths are thought to have been caused by swine flu, the country’s health minister said. An additional 1,614 reported cases have been reported in the country.

So far, however, only 18 cases have been confirmed by laboratory tests in Mexico and reported to the World Health Organization.

The United States stepped up preparations for a possible epidemic of the virus after 20 cases were confirmed, and Canada announced its first cases of the virus Sunday — six mild cases.

How does this happen?  How does a deadly virus like this spread throughout the world when we’re living in the most medically advanced period in human history?  (I’m sure some people will say the Spanish flu happened during the most medically advanced period in human history, and those people can choke to death on a horse’s cock.)

I have a theory, and it doesn’t involve the Republicans slashing 900 million dollars from the stimulus budget for pandemic preparation.

But before I get to my theory, I need present the facts.

FACT:

On April 16, President Obama went down to Mexico to support the Mexican government in its fight against the drug cartels.  During a break at a press conference, the Mexican President Felipe Calderon leans over and whispers to Obama, “Come on Mr. President, just legalized the goddamn drugs so we can end this stupid fucking war.  For Christ’s sake, you fucking smoked weed.  How bad can it be?”

President Obama laughs and whispers back, “Naw man, I don’t do that anymore.  Besides, this drug war thingy is making a lot of powerful people extremely rich.  If I fuck with them, then they fuck with me and I can’t fucking have that.  But don’t worry about the drug cartels.  I’ve got a plan.”

FACT:

Felipe presses Obama for more information but doesn’t get any.  Felipe calls Obama a “stupid nigger” under his breath.

FACT:

On April 23 the Washington Post informs the public that the military “lost” a horse virus with a Spanish name.   Its symptoms include a mild flu-like illness but can also cause brain inflammation and death.

Now here’s my theory.

While Obama was getting a sloppy Mexican blow job from Felipe Calderon, a team of Navy Seals parachuted into a small Mexican village where the notorious Mexican drug lord Joaquin Guzman was rumored to be banging some 13-year-old girl.   The Seals administered the “lost” virus to the entire village through some sort of new C4-like explosion device and then left.  The virus takes between 3 to 7 days to infected its victim, giving Obama enough time to cum in  Felipe’s mouth and get home before Michelle suspects anything.

Obama then gives out the antidote to Texas, California, Kansas, Ohio, and New York since he knows people in those states will get infected.  After those states administer the antidote to the people who will get sick, Obama then will create a massive panic and will swiftly move to create an One World Government which will enslave humanity forever.

I’m just fucking with you.  There’s no way Barack Obama would use a chemical weapon to take out a drug lord in Mexico so he could create an one world government.  That’s just crazy.

Everybody knows this swine flu pandemic is just a globial cover-up for the impending zombie apocalypse.