Knowing these people have got my back.

When her baby girl takes an afternoon nap, or on those nights when she just can’t sleep, Sarah Andrews, 32, tosses off her identity as a suburban stay-at-home mom and becomes something more exotic: a “virtual deputy” patrolling the U.S.-Mexico border.

From her house in a suburb of Rochester, New York, Andrews spends at least four hours a day watching a site called BlueServo.net.

I know I don’t get personal with my readers, all five of you, but I feel like divulging some information today.  I don’t sleep well.   I usually get two to four hours of sleep each night, and I’ve tried everything to get more.  I’ve tried sleeping pills, warm milk, no caffeine after five, no eating after five, reading the Bible, smoking a joint, reading the Bible while smoking a joint, choking myself, masturbating, choking myself while masturbating, and nothing works.

Why can’t I go to sleep?

Because I’m worried.   I’m worried about all the drug dealers crossing the US/Mexico border.  I’m worried about the gang violence that’s going on, and how thousands of people have been killed because of it.  I’m worried that my house will get shot at during a gang war, and I will lose my loved ones.  I’m worried that someone will kidnap my four year-old cousin, and force her into the sex trade , unless I give them 400, 000 dollars in unmarked bills.

I’m so worried about this, that all I can do is sit and stare into the cold, dark, starless night; while counting down the days until my town is overran by evil, dirty, vile drug dealers.

But not anymore.   Not with people like Sarah Andrews and Rob Abernethy motoring surveillance videos for me.  Not with the state of Texas spending two million dollars on security cameras set up along the border.   These brave, patriotic people are risking their lives to protect mine.

Now I can sleep, because I know these people are doing everything they can from the comfort of their home to protect me.  I know their index finger is ready to send an email to alert Texas authorities when something is wrong.  I know they don’t want anything bad to happen to me, and they are going to do everything in their power to watch the border.

Shit, I feel so safe that I’m going to take a nap, because goddammit – I know there are average Americans out there watching videos from a 2 million dollar web cam, and that makes me proud to be an American.

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Tags: Border Protection, Citizen watch, CNN, Government, Texas, We are fucked
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Bears have furry nut sacks.

Pigs taste great when cooked.

Airplane pilots fear gravity.

Vanilla pound cake wishes death upon chocolate cheesecake.

Redneck pastors love cheap beer and underage Mexican boys.

Almost everyone has touched a dick.

Dogs blow themselves because they can.

A French cat is called a pussy.

I love transgender Chinese midgets.

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Tags: Baking and Confections, Cakes, Chocolate, CNN, Cooking, Depression, Economy, Home, Pound cake, Recession, Shopping, Vanilla, Wall Street, We are fucked
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Good fucking Lord. If you thought this was bad, wait till you see this

he U.S. government is prepared to provide more than $7.76 trillion on behalf of American taxpayers after guaranteeing $306 billion of Citigroup Inc. debt yesterday. The pledges, amounting to half the value of everything produced in the nation last year, are intended to rescue the financial system after the credit markets seized up 15 months ago.

The unprecedented pledge of funds includes $3.18 trillion already tapped by financial institutions in the biggest response to an economic emergency since the New Deal of the 1930s, according to data compiled by Bloomberg. The commitment dwarfs the plan approved by lawmakers, the Treasury Department’s $700 billion Troubled Asset Relief Program. Federal Reserve lending last week was 1,900 times the weekly average for the three years before the crisis.

What the fuck is this shit?

Goddamnit.

Let me get this straight, these banks fuck up by doing stupid shit and instead of letting them fail, our government takes our money and gives it to them?

Am I missing something here?

Goddamnit, fucking white businessmen.

When will someone fucking kill these cunts? Why can’t those fucking rednecks stop screaming “FUCK NIGGERS!!” and start screaming “FUCK STOCK BROKERS!!”?

Where the hell are the Black Panthers? Why can’t they drag these fuckers out and lynch them? Shit, I’ll help them. I’ll bring the rope…fuck, I’ll make the rope out of my own goddamn hair if they’ll go after these assholes.

But no. They don’t give a shit. Everyone is too busy with gay marriage to notice the government’s dick up their asshole.

Fuck ‘em.

I’m glad this country is going to shit.

I can’t wait till we’re a third world country and nobody can afford a piece of paper to wipe their ass with. I’m looking forward to the day when we find a clean supply of water and think it’s a gift from God. I’m stroking myself right now thinking about how the rich will ‘allow’ us to work for pennies a day and we’ll be grateful for it.

But don’t worry about it America. Go back to sleep.  This isn’t your problem. Let the next generation worry about it.

You go ahead and play with your new iPhone 70000 or your PS207.

Go eat a triple-bacon cheeseburger load with ranch, lettuce, tomato, onions and one onion ring; dipped in milk chocolate; and wash it down with a 52-ounce Coke while smoking your menthol Marlboro Reds.

I hope each one of you pieces of shit gets cancer in every major organ and your intestines ooze out your left nostril while shit pours out your right.

You deserve everything that is coming to you you lazy, racist, bigot, fatass, cocksucking motherfuckers and I can’t wait to see it happen…

…fucking cunts….

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Tags: Bail Out, Bailout, Citibank, Citigroup, Congress, Democrats, Federal government of the United States, Federal Reserve System, Republicans, Troubled Asset Relief Program, United States, United States Department of the Treasury, US government, Wall Street, We are fucked
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